Returning Memories
by FeelsLikeConfettiFalling
Summary: *SEQUEL to "Screams Of Silence"* It's been 5 long years, but James made it. He has a wife, growing his family, he has everything he ever wanted. His dark past is long behind him, and he wants to focus on nothing but his new future.But when old memories resurface, when new pain takes hold of him, will he be able to stay strong?Or will things end the way they almost did 5 years ago?
1. A Happy Life

_You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it._

5 years. It had been 5, long, painstaking years, but he had made it. He fought through hell, been through the fire, but he came out alive. It took lots of blood, sweat, and tears, but he did it. James Diamond pulled through rock bottom, and now he was climbing even higher; his life couldn't have gotten any better.

Big Time Rush was still going strong. In fact, it was almost impossible for their success to get better. They had done several world tours, released several more albums, and climbed to the top. The four boys couldn't have been happier; their lives were soaring higher as well. Carlos had finally found a girlfriend and the two were closer than ever, Kendall and Jo were engaged, as well as Logan and Camille, and James; well, James had walked down the aisle.

The self abuse James had suffered years before was long gone. He hadn't attempted suicide since the night on the bridge, and he hadn't picked up a razor blade since then either. His scars were faded, and even though he looked at them often, he didn't think of them as a horrible reminder of his past anymore. He viewed them as a battle he had, and won. He smiled every single day, and even though it took years of hard work, he was alive and breathing, and he was so thankful he did not jump from the bridge that night; and he was glad he saved that other teenage girl. Not only because she deserved to live her life, but also because he ended up taking that beautiful girl's hand in marriage.

James Diamond and Lilliana Walsh married almost 5 years after their first encounter on the Golden Gate Bridge, and the two couldn't have been any happier. After James had saved her from jumping, they started talking every single day. They soon started dating, then they were engaged, then they had said "I do."

James saw no flaws in his wife. No matter her scars, her illness, her insecurities, he loved her more than anything, and the feeling was entirely mutual. The new family put both their dark pasts behind them, and looked forward to brighter beginnings. Marriage, laughter, smiles, kisses, children, their future was bright and they wanted nothing to do with the darkness they had left behind them. Their new life was only filled with happiness and love. Something entirely diffrent than what they were used to, but it was a healthy new beginning that changed them for the better, and they would get used to it hand in hand, staying side by side no matter what. And James was determined to make him and his new wife's lives strong and full of love and laughter.

The day at the Palm Woods was shining brighter than it ever had. Now 22 and 21 years old, James and Lilliana had moved into their own apartment to get a start on their new life. Being married only a few short months, the two were excited to start a wonderful, lifelong relationship together, including having children of their own. "Whenever the time is right, we will know. And it will be beautiful." Those were the words they always spoke to each other. The day they would have children would be the day they rejoiced more than anything, for a child was the one gift that they both longed for.

James came down the steps of their apartment, straightening the tie on his shirt as he entered the kitchen where Lilliana was making breakfast. "Good morning, beautiful." James said, smiling at his wife before giving her a kiss, placing his hands around her tiny waist. She grinned and tilted her head up to return his gesture of love, and James took the items in her hands and placed them onh the counter.

"James, I'm cooking. Stop." Lilliana couldn't hide her grin as James pressed his lips to her once more and pinned her hands to her sides. "James! The stuff is gonna burn!" She giggled as he smiled against her skin.

He reached over and turned the stove off. "There." He said, a grin spreading across his face. "Problem solved." He pressed his body to hers and leaned her back on the counter.

"In the kitchen?" She laughed. "James, no, come on, I'm tired. And you're gonna be late."

"I got time." He winked at her and kissed her neck. "I always have time for you, baby girl."

"I love you." She whispered, gently kissing his lips. James raised his hands up and gently brushed his fingertips against her scars. She stopped and frowned, sadness overtaking her features. "James..." She started, but James silenced her by pressing his lips against her scarred skin. A tear slipped down Lilliana's face as James continued. "Please...James, stop. I'm not beautiful."

"Stop it. Yes you are. Ever since that moment I first met you, I knew you were perfect. You saved me in ways nobody else could, my love." He stood back and helped her off the counter. He pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead. "And the day I saw you walk down that aisle towards me, my heart stopped. I never saw someone so beautiful. I'm so glad I stayed alive, because if I didn't, I never would have met you." He walked into the living room to retrieve a picture in a beautifully decorated frame. He held it up to her to reveal their wedding picture. "Look at that smile. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and I wouldn't trade you for anything or anyone."

"James, I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for you. I would've jumped that night on the bridge if you wouldn't have approached me. I always think about that night. You were the only person to have ever shown me any kindness, and after that night, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with you and would want to live, love, and grow with you." She kissed him and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Speaking of growing," He said, a smirk on his face. He moved his hands down to her stomach and looked at her, an certain burst of eagerness and excitement in his eyes, "How are we doing?"

Lilliana frowned and looked at her feet, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, James." She said quietly. "There's nothing yet. All the tests always come up negative."

"It's not your fault, baby girl. Remember, when the time is right, it'll happen. Soon, though, I can feel it." He bent down to kiss her stomach. He looked into her eyes with a snse of wonder and love, and stood up to kiss her face. "Our family will grow soon enough, darling."

Lilliana wiped some tears from her face and kissed James. "I love you." She said, resting her head against his neck. She heard his watch start beeping and she smirked. "Now get to work, loser."

He grinned and kissed her cheek before heading out the door. "I'll see you when I get home, darling. I love you." And he was gone, leaving Lilliana a smiling beauty.

James met up with his band mates in the hallway. He was glad that their apartments were just right down the hall from each other, that way they were never truly far apart. The guys grinned as they saw James approach them and slapped him on his back. "How's it going, brother? You and the missus." Logan winked at him and James shook his head, laughing.

"If you're thinking what I think you are, no, not yet." He sighed. "We've been trying, though. I don't understand why it isn't working."

"Hey, don't be upset. Sometimes it just takes time. It'll happen, buddy. Eventually, when the time's right, you'll have your baby." Kendall said, draping an arm around his friend's shoulder.

"But I don't get it. Why is it that when you don't want a kid, bam, you get pregnant. Then, when you're trying, it never happens."

"It's called life, sport." Carlos laughed. "Don't get scared."

"I kinda am, actually." James pushed the elevator button and they all stepped inside. He straightened his tie for the hundredth time and sighed. "What if I'm not a good father? I want to be able to give my child everything they ever want. I mean, ever since we got married, I've wanted to grow with her, to have a family, but now that the reality of us having children is coming true, it's kind of scary, you know?"

"It's normal to be scared." Logan said. "But just think about it. You almost gave all this up, the both of you. You could've left all this behind, but now look at you guys. Be proud of yourself, James. Look at where you are now."

A grin flashed across his face. "Thanks guys." He replied.

They got off in the lobby and proceeded to walk outside. They high fived several people along the way. James rolled his sleeves up slightly, fixing his shirt once again as they exited the Palm Woods, revealing some of his many self injury scars. James often did think about that awful time in his life, and within those past 5 years he almost did turn back to that painful lifestyle, but when he met Lilliana, the first time he ever encountered her and spent time with her, his entire world changed. She gave him life, a reason to love again, and a reason to live. Plus, he had his friends, his brothers, right by his side each step of the way.

Why did he ever want to kill himself?

They rode to the studio in perfect happiness. They laughed, talked about life, discussed wedding plans for the others, plans for the future, and about stupid stuff they used to do and still do. "We need to take a day off and just play hockey all day." Carlos said, resting his head back and closing his eyes. A smile burst onto his face as he relived old memories. "I miss that so much. We all need a little down time. I miss our hockey games, we don't play as much as we did."

"It's because UJames is too busy getting lucky." Kendall said, winking at the brown haired boy. James smirked and smacked him, trying his hardest not to laugh, but he failed.

"Fuck you." He said, stifling laughter.

"Only in your dreams, sweetheart."

When they arrived at the studio, they jumped out of the car and raced inside, pushing and ahoving each other like kids. They were still young at heart, and always would be. A bond between the brothers could never be broken, no matter how old they got. Their driver shook his head as he watched them disappear into the building.

"YOu're an asshole, that's cheating!" Carlos yelled as the other guys passed him. "You can't push like that! That's a foul!"

"There are no rules in no-man's land!" James and Logan shouted.

"Guys, calm down! You're not children! You're all going to break something...again." Gustavo said, rubbing his temples. The boys came to a skidding stop and rolled their eyes.

"You've known us for how many years, Gustavo. We're so predictable, you know that." Carlos laughed. James noticed him absentmindedly rub his own scars, something he did from time to time. Carlos had since stopped self harming, but it still broke James' heart to see him hurting over the awful memory.

"Joking aside, we got work to do!" THey could tell Gustavo was trying not to look like he agreed as he stomped off. The boys all laughed and Kelly came by and shook her head, laughing.

"Come on, boys." She said, grinning. Carlos, Kendall, and Logan all followed after Gustavo, but Kelly stopped James and narrowed a serious look in his direction, a hint of excitement in her eyes. "Anything?" She asked. James had talked to her before about his plans for children, and so often she asked him she didn't even have to say the full sentence anymore.

James frowned and shook his head. "No, not yet." He sighed and looked at his feet. "I don't know why."

Kelly tilted his chin up to face her and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Be patient, James." She said. "It'll happen when it's destined to happen. Only God knows, and it'll be wonderful for you guys when it finally happens."

James smiled and took her hand. "Thanks, Kelly." He said.

"Now let's get to work." She said, and the two walked into the studio together.

They knew their job better than anyone else. Big Time Rush was the longest lasting band Gustavo had ever had, and by the looks of their growing popularity, they weren't going anywhere anytime soon. The boys weren't growing tired of it, either. They loved their job, they loved their fans, they loved making music, their lives were pretty good. James was so thankful his friends were there for them that night on the bridge, for if he would've died, he wouldn't of been able to experience all the things he did. He was greatful for his life each day.

"We're not gonna be much longer, what do you guys wanna do when we get home?" Kendall asked, taking a large sip of water and leaning against the wall. "Gaming? Hockey?"

"We're always so busy nowadays, it's like we never spend any time together anymore." James said. "Maybe we should go camping someday soon, like we used to. Just us brothers."

"Sounds like a plan." Carlos and Logan both said. The guys all high fived on it and sat down on the chairs in the lounge.

"Remember my parents are coming in a few weeks." James said, a grin spreading across his face.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. You excited to see your dad? I know you haven't seen him in a while." Logan said.

"I really am. Ever since he was first deployed when I was 8, I've barely seen him. He's supposed to come home again soon, and he and my mom are coming to visit me. I haven't seen him in two years, I can't wait to see my father." James couldn't stop smiling. His dad was fighting in the army, and he hardly ever got to see him. He skyped with him and called him every now and then, but he was almost always busy, and being away from him for so long broke James' heart. But as soon as his mother told him his father was going to be coming home, he's been ecstatic ever since.

"I can't imagine how you must be feeling. The last time you saw him was at your wedding, right?" Carlos asked. James nodded.

"Yeah, and he had to leave right after that. And he's just like you guys, always asking me if I got any kids yet." James laughed at the thought. "Hopefully she'll be pregnant by the time he gets here. It'll be a nice surprise for him."

"I'm glad you're looking to the bright side of things." Kendall said. "I love seeing you happy."

"Why don't we all go out tonight? Us and our girls." Logan said, folding his arms behind his head. "I don't know, just feel like doing something nice together, all of us. Besides, we can't play hockey because they're using the field for a festival or something and I want to meet Carlos' new girl." He winked at Carlos and Carlos blushed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I really think Alexa's the one." He said shyly. "It just feels right. Like, I don't know how to explain it, she's just...great."

"It's good you found someone, buddy." James said. Carlos grinned, but James noticed him rubbing his arms again. James frowned and looked away. He traced his thumb across his own scars. "I'm going to call Lilliana. I'll be right back." HE took out his phone and left them, excitedly dialing the number of his beautiful girl.

"Hey." He said into the phone, smiling as if she was truly standing right in front of him. "Hopw are things? You doing alright?"

"Yes, I'm doing alright." Her voice was soft and shy, and James loved the way she sounded. He loved everything about her. "How's work?"

"Just fantastic." James and Lilliana both laughed, and James stuck his free hand in his pocket, to avoid touching his scars. He tried to mask his feelings and let out a laugh instead. "Hey, so me and the guys were planning on going out with all of you tonight, after work. We're probably going out to eat or see a movie or something, so try to get ready by the time I get home, ok?"

James knew she was smiling on the other end of the phone as she giggled. He smiled just thinking about her when she was flattered. Crinkling her nose, the way her smile curled gently upon her lips, the way she pused her hair out of her face as she stared at her feet, he noticed every little detail about her and fell in love with each one of them.

"Ok, James. I'll be ready. Now hurry your ass up and get home." She laughed and James grinned. "I love you, see you when you get home."

"I love you too, baby girl." James grinned as he hung up, and when he turned around the other guys were standing around the corner, laughing hysterically. They immitated kissing noises and grabbed hold of the wall for support. James shook his head and laughed. "You're all assholes."

"But we're your assholes." Carlos said, laughing. "Come on, James, you like us. Admit it."

"Sometimes." James laughed. "Let's get back to work, y'all got a little too much down time on your hands. And you think we need more."

Knowing he would be out with his darling wife that night, James put his all into his work. They recorded their new song in almost record time, almost no mistakes, and Gustavo didn't want to admit that he was quite impressed. James was feeling wonderful that day, and nothing, absolutely nothing, could damage his great mood. He left the studio that day feeling totally blessed, and the guys took note in his cheerful disposition.

"James does look awfully happy today, doesn't he?" Kendall asked Carlos and Logan as they left Roque Records. "Like, lately he's just been brimming with cheerfullness. It's so nice to see him finally at peace with himself after years of the shit that he went through."

"I'm not going to lie, I still worry that he's going to try and harm himself again, no matter how happy he may seem." Carlos said. He sighed and looked at the ground. "Is that weird of me? Like, I know he's ok now, he's got a wife and trying to start a family, and hasn't harmed himself or tried to in years, but, but, it still scares me. A lot. I know people can suffer relapses."

"It's not weird, Carlos. We think that too." LOgan said, placing a hand on the younger boy's shoulder. "Relapses can happen, but not to everyone. James seems to be doing pretty good, and if anything was wrong, we would know. He wouldn't want to leave Lilliana, or this baby he's going to have soon, or his parents."

"He is really excited to see his dad." Carlos replied. "I'm sorry for bringing this up, it just, I don't know, it just kind of bothers me." HE rubbed his arms again, but Kendall touched his arm and lowered it to his sides.

"It'll be ok, Carlos. Remember you need to feel better, too. James doesn't want you feeling upset, either." Kendall draped an arm around his friend's shoulder, and Logan did as well. "Just think about tonight, you're gonna be with all of us and Alexa." Carlos blushed and Kendall slapped his back. "That's the spirit."

When they arrived back at the Palm Woods, they all stopped for a moment in the hallway outside their apartments. "We'll all meet in the lobby in a bit, ok?" James said. The others agreed and they all disappeared into their own apartments. James swung the door open to find Lilliana tidying up the house, fixing stacks of papers and things here and there, wearing a beautiful red dress and silver heels. He grinned and walked up to her, making her jump as he surprised her with a hug from behind.

"You scared me, James!" She said, grinning from ear to ear. James placed a hand on her face and wrapped the other around her back, pulling her close to him.

"You look so beautiful." He said, gently pressing his lips to hers. "It's been a while since we've been out."

"I'm scared to go out and eat, though." Lilliana's smile faded and she ducked her eyes away from him. James frowned and his heart collapsed slightly. She often did this, she often still struggled with her body image issues. She never liked eating in front of others, it made her feel highly uncomfortable. She was still recovering from an eating disorder she once had and it killed James whenever he heard her speak like this.

"Remember what I told you? You don't need to be skinny to look beautiful. You are an amazing, beautiful, and loving person, and nobody else's opinions matter. You think about you, my love. You're such an incredible woman and you make my world a million times better." He raised her arm to his lips and gently kissed her scars, causing a tear to fall down her face. James wiped it away with his thumb and smiled, kissing her again. "I'll always be here for you, no matter what, darling." He pulled her into a tight hug before wiping her tears away. "I'm going to go get dressed, and then we can leave."

They left the apartment hand in hand, Lilliana feeling so much better than earlier. She stayed close to James' side, clinging to his arm, as they approached all the others in the lobby. They all smiled at the couple.

"You look beautiful, Lilliana." Kendall said, nodding towards the shy girl. She blushed and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Thanks." She uttered shyly, trying to hide the smile on her face. James grinned and kissed the top of her head.

"Hello, Alexa." James said, smiling at the girl holding Carlos' hand. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"I guess I really am the only one who's never met her before tonight." Logan said, laughing. Alexa grinned.

"It's all good, I don't bite, I promise." She said.

The boys all walked out of the Palm Woods, hand in hand with their loved ones, but James squeezed Lilliana's hand extra tight that evening. Each time he looked at her, a sense of thrill and excitement hit him. Time after time, he loved to just look at her and appreciate everything about her, to just look at her face and absorb every detail he could, and the fact that he was in love and married, and trying for a family, nothing else made him happier. None of his exes mattered, none of them were relevant. His past, his dark history, all that was behind him, because his future was in front of him right then, holding his hand and lying with him each night.


	2. Good Feelings, Numbing Pain

**Hey guys! I hope you're enjoying the sequel, I wasn't going to write one but I started planning one out and thought I just HAD to start writing it! I don't know if I like this a lot, but let me know what you guys think of it and give me some ideas! I'm still stuck on some parts of the story and where it's going and I could use some ideas ;) Anyway I'm sorry if it's taking me so long to update these. I hate to admit it but I'm kinda going through a lot and I been really distracted. I was in the psychiatric hospital for 8 days a little while before I published this story, about a month ago, and I just lost all motivation for writing, and kinda living, but now that I'm getting back into the swing of things I'm doing my best to keep myself distracted, and I hope you all enjoy this story, because I'm having tons of fun writing again for you guys. 3**

"Did you have fun tonight?" James undid his tie as Lilliana combed the gentle curls out of her hair.

"Very." She grinned, taking the earrings James bought her for her wedding day out of her ears and setting them gently on the dresser. She picked one up and gently held it in her palm, turning it over and over to examine it. James had given them to her on their wedding day, and ever since then, she cherishes them like they were sacred, for to her, they were. She put them in her jewlery box and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Unzip me."

"Only if you're nice to me." James said, smirking.

"Unzip me, you bastard."

James laughed and shook his head as he walked over to her. He gently unzipped her bright red dress and bent down to kiss her neck. His hot breath splashed against her skin and sent a sensation all over her body that made her lean her head back and moan gently. "James, please." She said, grinning. But he made no attempt to stop, instead he placed his hands on her shoulders and took hold of her dress straps, teasingly dragging them off her body. "James, I mean it. Not now." She did her best to hide her giggles, but she couldn't help it. Lilliana tilted her head back to kiss James as he slid the dress off her body.

He stopped for a moment and looked into her eyes, at the smile that was grown across her face, and a million emotions and memories flashed through his subconcious. He saw her, standing on the bridge, the wind blowing her hair back furiously, about to jump. He saw the scared look in her eyes, the cuts covering her arms, the pounding of her heart almost noticeably. He felt the sadness, the pain, the horrifying numbness, as he saw her feet shift to fling her body into the sea, something he almost did just moments before. He saw him racing up to her, pulling her away. The conversation they had, the concern he had for her life. She listened to him, climbed back over, and that was when both of their lives changed forever.

They talked, he drove her home, stayed by her side, met up with her every day. He was there for her, and she was there for him. After a while, he fell for her, and he fell hard. She looked at him and saw the most amazing thing that had ever entered her life. He kissed her, he asked her out, they fell in love. They both stopped cutting, never attempted suicide again, he asked her to marry him, she said yes. Thinking about the memories, how they both almost lost their lives and each other so many times, it made him tear up. He quickly wiped away a tear and Lilliana placed a hand on his face in concern.

"James?" She asked, swiping a tear off his face with her thumb. "James, baby, what's wrong? Talk to me."

He shook his head and wrapped his arms around her tightly, squeezing her in a tight hug. "I'm so glad you didn't jump." He said, holding back tears. He sniffled and hugged her tighter, and she buried her face in his neck. "I'm so glad you didn't jump, I'm so fucking glad you didn't."

"James, baby, stop." Lilliana said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "James, don't think about that, baby."

"I love you." James said. He pulled away from her and took her arm, flipping it over to reveal some of her many hundreds of scars. They were both silent, Lilliana just staring at her arm in complete and utter numbness. After a few moments, she gazed up at James and watched as he gently placed his lips to her scars, kissing them softly. She wiped away her own tears as James touched her face. "I love you, baby girl. I need you, and I'm so glad I have you."

He kissed her, gently at first, then harder and with more force. He pushed her back on the bed and enjoyed the smile that he felt her lips form against his. He gently slid the rest of her dress off and ran his hands through her hair. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me." He said, and pressed his body against hers, giving her everything he could and her returning it all just the same.

James rolled over to his side and placed a hand on Lilliana's face. "How you feeling, baby girl?" He asked, innocently. She grinned and chuckled a little bit.

"James, we've been married for two years, and have known each other for five. In the hundreds of times we have had sex, you say that to me every single time we're done."

"I just want to make sure." He grinned from ear to ear and kissed her forehead, pulling her close to him, the heat of his body warming her up intensely. She rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes, just listening to the sound of his heartbeat. James stroked her hair gently, letting her dark brown strands fall nicely over his fingertips. He smiled as he played wimply with her hair and looked down at her innocent face. He thought about being with her, the fact that he was married to her, and it just made him light up inside. He gave her another kiss on her forehead and pulled the covers back, scooching down to her stomach. She opened her eyes and arched her eyebrows in confusion.

"What are you doing?"

James smirked at her and kissed her stomach, gently rubbing it in soft circles, and once Lilliana realized what he was doing, her face lit up and she almost started crying.

"If you're in there, you be good to her." He said, grinning and looking up at his wife. She covered her mouth with her hand as James continued. "I love you and I can't wait to meet you."

"James..." Lilliana said, placing a hand on his head and stroking his hair. He grinned and scooted back up to her, pulling the blankets up to both of their chins. She rested her head against his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek. "Do you think it woked this time?" She whispered.

James was silent for a few moments. He hoped it worked, he prayed and prayed that it worked, but at that point, he just wasn't sure. "I hope so." He whispered. He pulled her closer, the ache in his heart growing larger. He knew how badly she wanted to be a mother, and it hurt him to see her hurting so badly. She thought something was wrong with her, thought it was her fault that they were having some trouble conceiving, and it ripped at James to see her like that. He felt a tear hit his shoulder and he kissed her neck. "I know it did. The baby is just being stubborn, that's all. Must take after his father."

Lilliana laughed and hugged James. "I love you." She said, closing her eyes against him. He grinned.

"I love you too, baby girl."

A loud ringing sound from his laptop distracted James' attention from her. "Who could be calling me this late? On Skype, too." James asked himself. Lilliana watched him as he crawled out of bed and slipped some boxers and a t shirt on. He rubbed his eyes and felt a little grumpy until he saw the name of the person calling. "Dad!" He exclaimed.

Lilliana grinned and stood up, slipping a night gown on and peeking over James' shoulder. James answered the call excitedly and grinned from ear to ear when he saw his father's face appear on the screen. "Hey, dad." James said. Lilliana rubbed his shoulder as his father smiled back at him.

"Hey there, son." His dad said. He took off his camo hat and ran his hand through his short hair. He sat on what looked like a bunk bed with the sound of soldiers talking and laughing in the background.

"Your hair is too short, dad. It really amazes me how we're related. My hair used to be past my ears." James said, grinning. His dad laughed and shook his head.

"I question that too, James." He smiled. "Hello there, Lilliana. How are you?"

"Hello, Mr. Diamond, I'm doing ok." Lilliana grinned. She squeezed James' shoulder and ran her hand through his hair. "I'm going to go downstairs to get something to eat, I'll be back up in a minute, ok?" She kissed his cheek and left the room, leaving James alone with his father. James still couldn't contain his excitement from talking to his father, it had been over a month since he last heard from him.

"I'm sorry to call you so late, James. It's just the first time I had some time to call you in a while, and I wanted to talk to my son so bad."

"I'm glad you called, dad. It's been a while and I've missed you so much." James pushed his hair back and gave a relieved smile. "I've been so worried about you. I'm glad you're doing ok. How's it going over there?"

"Kicking ass over here." His dad laughed. "I didn't want to spoil it, but I think I'll be coming home soon. I should be there by Christmas."

James couldn't help it, and he let the tears well up in his eyes. He didn't give a shit that he was a fully grown man, the fact that his dad just told him he was coming home from the army made him want to start screaming. "You're shitting me, dad."

"No, I'm not." He grinned. "I called your mom a little bit ago and told her, but I told her not to spoil the surprise because I wanted to be the one to tell you."

"I'm surprised mom didn't tell me, she never really could keep good secrets." James laughed. "It'll be the first time we've all been together since my wedding."

"Speaking of wedding," Mr. Diamond wiggled his eyebrows. "Have we had a new addition to yours, yet?"

James' smile faded and he looked blankly into the camera. He slowly shook his head and looked down at his feet. "No." He replied, trying to hide the sadness in his voice. "We've been trying, but...it's not working. What if something's wrong, dad? We've been trying for months."

"Take it easy, James. Sometimes it's hard. It took me and your mom weeks to get you. Just be patient, James. She'll be knocked up in no time."

"Dad!" James laughed and shook his head, his face turning red. "Not funny." He lied. "Now, let's talk about you. Anything interesting going on? I'm really worried about you over there, and I really want to see you. Christmas can't come soon enough."

"Just four more months, bud. It'll be ok. I'll call you every chance I get, and I promise I'll try to contact you more. Just been kicking ass real good over here and haven't had enough time."

James smiled as his heart both shattered and melted. "Yeah, I bet you are." He said. "I miss you a lot, dad."

"I miss you too, son." He said. A voice from offscreen distracted him for a moment, and he frowned as he turned back to James. "I gotta go, James, but I promise I'll talk to you later, ok? I love you, James."

"Love you too, dad." James said quietly. "Kick some ass for me and my future kid. He's gonna love you."

Mr. Diamond grinned and gave a small laugh. "Definitely. Tell Lilliana I said hello again and hope she's doing alright. I wish you both luck and I'll see you real soon, James."

"See ya, dad." James said, grinning, and the two signed off. James' heart shattered a little bit and he started to cry as he shut his laptop down. He buried his head in his hands and cried. A few moments later, Lilliana walked into the room looking awfully concerned.

"James? Baby, what's wrong? Are you ok? What happened with your dad?" She ran over to him and placed her hands on his shoulders, squeezing them tight. "James, baby, what's the matter?"

"My dad." He said between sobs. "He's...he's coming home...but not until four months from now. He should be home by Christmas."

"James, that's great! You're gonna get to see him for the holidays, you haven't seen him in about two years, why are you upset then?"

"I don't know, I guess, I guess, I guess I just miss him. A lot. It's great that he's coming home, nothing could make me happier, but I guess, I don't know, I just can't stand that he's away. I love my dad, and I miss him terribly."

"It'll be ok, James. I promise." She kissed his cheek and rubbed his shoulders. "He's out there fighting for our country, James, he's fighting just for you. He loves you and I bet he's missing you more than anything, too. Just think, it'll be the best Christmas present you ever get."

James grinned and kissed her. "Thanks, baby girl." He said. He hugged her and then laughed, remembering what his father told him. "He says he hopes you get knocked up soon."

"Oh fuck." Lilliana said, laughing. She smacked him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go to bed, you asshole."

* * *

That next morning, James woke up feeling amazing. He yawned and stretched his arms out, smiling when he turned and saw his beautiful wife sleeping peacefully next to him. He grinned and kissed her cheek, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her as tight as he possibly could. He kissed her forehead and rested his head against hers. That day, he couldn't have felt more wonderful. He talked to his father the night before, he had the day off, and there was hopes that Lilliana could possibly be carrying his child. He smiled at the thoughts and kept his positive attitude. He got up and had breakfast all ready for Lilliana when she awaoke, surprising her.

"Since when do you make breakfast?" She asked, smirking, her sarcasm making James laugh. "You seem chipper today, James."

"Shut up and eat." He said, laughing. "We got the day off and you're gonna need the energy."

He had made plans to spend some time with the other guys that day. They were a little upset because the field was still closed for a fair, but they compensated by playing hockey in the hallways anyway. They got chased down by security, but the four boys just laughed as their girls watched on, memories from their band's beginning resurfacing. All their prank wars, crashing through the halls at the Palm Woods, the time they distracted Gustavo while they remodeled the apartment, the time they thought a ghost invaded the Palm Woods, the time they trapped the blogger in the trash can and chased after him through the air ducts, jumping the pool on roller skates, all those old memories resurfaced and it made the boys happy to relive those moments they used to have. James and Carlos walked around with their scars covering their arms, most of them extremely faded, with no shame. Although it still somewhat bothered James to see Carlos absentmindedly touch them from time to time, he was glad that Carlos felt better about himself now. The two boys accepted what they had done and knew they couldn't change their past, and over the years they had learned to accept themselves for who they were and what they had gone through, and none of that could change their outlook on each other, because they were always brothers, and nothing, not even their past, got in the way of that.

After they were done playing hockey, they all chilled by the pool for a while, cooling off and also goofing off. They all laughed as Carlos picked Alexa up bridle style and jumped into the pool with her, her laughter filling the air as her and Carlos submerged. James turned to Lilliana and winked at her, and a horrified looked plastered across her face as she got up to try and run away, but James caught after her and wrapped her up in his arms, carrying her to the pool.

"James, stop it!" Lilliana screamed, trying to kick her way out of James' grasp. But James just laughed and ran towards the water. He jumped into the pool, created and large and loud splash. The others laughed as the two resurfaced, James laughed wildly, Lilliana spitting up water. "That was NOT funny, James!" But James was doubled over with laughter, and Lilliana grinned and splashed him with water, until the two got into a water fight. She laughed and laughed as James picked her up and spun her around, sending streams of water in all directions. Lilliana wrapped her arms around James and held on tight as he carried her around the pool, curling her body around him.

But the fun soon ended when they were all in the water goofing off some more. As they all stood in the pool, laughing and talking, Lilliana's legs wrapped around James' back and her head rested on his head. James just happened to glance up and noticed someone walking through the pool area, and his mind went blank. His body went numb and his heart started beating rapidly, fear filling him and his arms protectively gripping Lilliana's legs, his unusual grip getting tighter as he backed away towards the other end of the pool.

"James, what's wrong? Why do you seem scared all of a sudden?" Lilliana asked him. It didn't take James long before he replied with a slight whisper.

"Victoria."


	3. Anxiety

**Hey guys! I'm sorry it's taking me a while to update this. I'm going through some stuff :/ and im kinda losing my motivation to do things. After being in the psychiatric hospital for my second time I kinda didn't want to do anything. But I'm getting back on track and hopefully I'll be writing a lot more! I got more stories I wanna publish! And I'm sorry if this chapter is bad-i seriously am stuck on where this story is going. Like I know what I want to do with it, I just don't know how to write it. But it'll come to me, it always does xD anyway, enjoy! :) 3**

Everyone stopped and looked in the direction James was staring, but they didn't see anybody that looked even remotely like Victoria. "James, what are you talking about? She isn't over there." Logan said.

James, breath shaking and heart pounding, wildly searched for the person he swore was there, but found no one. He backed away even more and gripped Lilliana's legs tighter. "She's there, I know she is, I saw her." He could barely keep still, for he knew what he saw, he knew he saw her, and he wasn't about to let her ruin his life once again.

"James, please, snap out of it, there's no one over there." Lilliana said, sounding quite frightened. "Sh...she isn't there." Lilliana didn't like to talk about Victoria, even just the mere mention of her name made her cringe.

Seeing more clearly, he noticed that he saw no one on the other end of the pool except the normal Palm Woods occupancies. He blinked his eyes a few times to make sure he was correct, and then turned away, still protectively gripping his wife's legs. "I swore, I could've sworn..."

"It's just your anxiety, James." Logan said, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Maybe we all need to take a break for a bit. It's getting kind of late, anyway."

"We can start our movie night early." Kendall said. "I think we're just about done here. Maybe we all need to cool down, it has been a pretty eventful day."

"Eventful? That hockey game was legit! I definitely won, hands down." Carlos bragged, folding his arms across his chest.

"Are you out of your mind? It was ME!" Kendall said, laughing. Carlos splashed water on him and continued to argue, trying not to laugh.

"YOU'RE the one who's crazy! You were in that game, but you sure as hell weren't paying attention. It was definitely me."

Everyone laughed as the water went flying, but James was having nothing to do with them. His eyes were averted to across the pool area, frantically searching for her. He knew she was there, he knew what he saw. His eyes did not lie to him, for he could spot her face from within miles away. He felt so many emotions when he thought of her or heard something about her, but it was anything but happiness. It was anger, hatred, even fear. Fear that she would manipulate everyone he loved again. Fear that she would try to harm his beautiful wife. Fear she would ruin his entire life and destroy everything he worked so damn hard for.

After their short water battle (which Carlos insisted that he had won), they retreated from the pool and dried off so they could go back into the apartment and finish off their fun filled day off. James draped a towel around Lilliana's shoulders and gave her a quick kiss before entering the elevaor and taking her up to their apartment to get changed. The thought of his ex girlfriend pushed out of his anxious mind, he grinned and playfully tugged on one of the strings of the bottom of Lilliana's swimsuit. She laughed and tried to swat his hand away, but he just pulled harder and her bottoms came undone and fell to the ground with ease. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Seriously?" She bit her lip to hold back laughter.

"We got time." He said, wiggling his eyebrows. She playfully backed away as James advanced towards her, licking his lips. "We definitely got time."

"James, I'm tired. Let's just get dressed and go watch the movie with the others." Lilliana said, shaking her head with a grin on her face. "You're always horny, you motherfucker."

James laughed and threw his arms around her, smashing his lips against her own. "I love you." He said, smiling. She blushed and looked away, but he tilted her chin to face him. "I mean it."

Lilliana opened her mouth to say something, but a loud pounding at the door startled them. "Let's go, you guys!" They heard Kendall's voice echoing through the door and up their stairs.

"You can fuck later!" Carlos screamed.

James and Lilliana laughed and pulled away from each other. "You win this time." He said, smirking.

They got dressed and headed over to 2J. Lilliana folded her arms across her chest and sighed. "What's wrong?" James asked as they approached the apartment. "Are you feeling sick?"

"No." She said quietly. "I...it's nothing, just forget about it. No big deal."

James stopped before opening the door. "I know that's a bunch of bullshit. Now what's wrong?"

She sighed. "I don't know, maybe we shouldn't go. I don't like the way I look, and I'm wearing sweatpants, and I don't like eating in front of people, and I just can't-"

James put a finger against her lips and silenced her. "Stop." He said. He placed his hand against her face and rubbed his thumb on her cheek. "Just...stop, right now. Please don't say things like that. They don't think you're fat, you AREN'T, and you look beautiful." He kissed her and twisted the doorknob, flinging open the door to the apartment. "Let's go, baby girl." She smiled and followed him in.

"Finally y'all showed up." Alexa said, grinning from ear to ear. Mrs. Knight smiled and pulled some snacks out of the table and placed them on the counter.

"I'm going out for a bit so here are some snacks for you guys to enjoy while I'm gone." She said, taking her purse off the counter and slinging it over her shoulder.

"Mom, we're 20 years old, I'm pretty sure we can handle things on our own." Kendall said. Mrs. Knight shook her head, hiding a noticeable grin.

"I'll be back later." She said. "Hello James and Lilliana. You boys and girls have a great night." She left out the door, leaving everyone else to themselves.

"Well, mom's out and Katie's at her friend's place. Perfect opportunity to do nothing at all." Kendall said, kicking his feet up on the table and placing his hands behind his head. "What movie are we watching?"

"I got a few to pick from." Carlos said, popping in a movie in the DVD player. Horror movie marathon."

"This is gonna be fun. Come sit, you guys." Logan said, pointing to an empty chair next to them. James led Lilliana over to the chair and sat down, pulling her onto his lap and throwing a blanket over the two of them. She cuddled her face into his neck and silently watched the movie.

They were having a good time, there were no problems and everyone was having fun just being together, but then it was James who was starting to worry. He started thinking about what happened earlier in the pool, and how he thought he saw Victoria. No, he knew he saw her. He was sure of it. He could make out that face anywhere, and the way she moved her body was undeniable. He scowled at the thought of her, and glanced at his wife, at how beautifully she rested on top of him, and nearly shook with anger. He knew she was back, and knew she was going to do something to harm her, and it made him furious just to think of her and how she almost ruined everything...

"James, are you ok?" Lilliana whispered. James must've started shaking, and Lilliana grew concerned. "You seem tense and angry or scared or something. What's the matter?"

James grinned and shook his head. "Cold." He lied. He pulled the blanket closer to the two of them and kissed her forehead. "And just a little tired from our...let's say eventful, day. I'm ok."

Lilliana, slightly still unsure, turned away from him and rested back into his arms, her eyes now directed back to the movie. James tried to sit and watch, but his thoughts overtook him and he couldn't sit still any longer. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute."

James stood up and walked upstairs, Lilliana watching after him with a sorrowful stare.

James locked the bathroom door and suddenly a million memories flashed before his eyes. He stood in the doorway and stared all over the bathroom, absorbing every awful memory he encountered in there. He saw himself at the sink, reaching into the cabinet to pull out his razor.

The first time he ever cut himself.

He saw the floor covered with blood and him falling over, barely able to keep his eyes open.

He felt sick to his stomach.

He saw him shaking wildly, all the lights off except for the little ray of moonlight that shone in through the crack in the doorway coming from his bedroom window. The pill bottle perched gently on the sink as he swallowed every. Single. Last. Pill. His world went black, he fell over, and thought he would never see daylight again.

His suicide attempt.

He grabbed his stomach and looked away for a minute. He couldn't bare to think of that any longer. He didn't want to think about his past. It still sickened him to an unbearable degree.

He walked to the sink and hung his head down low. He splashed some water on his face before looking at his reflection. Years ago, his eyes were tired, sick, disturbed, anxious, scared, dead. Now, they were lively, sparkling, excited. But somewhere deep in his soul, as he stared further into his irises, he saw that scared little kid he used to be, still trapped inside himself somewhere. He shook his head and grabbed a towel to dry his face. But as he did that, he heard a voice from outside, a familiar laughter. He dashed over to the window and his jaw dropped at what he saw.

He saw her.

And he was damn sure of it.

There was no mistaking that long, brown hair. The way her body curved, complimenting her flat stomach. Her smile, evil and frightening, was attatched to her face in a way he was all too familiar with. He was struck with a sudden silence, with so much words filling him up on the inside, as he studied her every move.

"What the fuck are you doing here."

She was with some friends by the pool, a drink in her hand, acting like she had not a care in the world. The sudden shock turned into pure hatred as he watched her act all chilled out and totally relaxed. It was as if she had no regard for what happened, no recolection to the memories this damn place held 5 years ago. He clenched his teeth and gripped the window's edge so hard, his knuckles turned white. Her laugh was as clear as day, and he knew he wasn't making her image up. She was real, all too real.

"Victoria." He snarled. He wanted to yell it, scream it, shout it at the top of his lungs from every rooftop in California, better yet, the world, but all he could manage was a small whisper. He felt like throwing up, but forced it down and stepped back, grabbing his head. The memories hurt him as they cracked through his skull, pushing themselves forward into his mind. She was his first. For a lot of things. He thought he loved her, gave his virginity to her, but she betrayed him. treated him like shit. Made him feel worthless. He didn't love her. He hated her. He turned back to the cabinet and remembered that night. He slowly opened it up and found the usual sleeping pills and razors stacked neatly in there. Mrs. Knight allowed them to keep those in the apartment again about a year after he and Carlos had stopped cutting. He took out a razor and turned it over a few times in his hand, remembering the way the cold metal felt as it bit against his skin. He looked down at his scarred flesh and pictured the hundreds of times he sliced his skin, and he almost threw up again. Sometimes he wondered how it would feel to relive all of that once more, but he decided against it. He threw the razor back into the cabinet and slammed it shut.

He was starting a family, had a beautiful wife, and his life was near perfect. He snarled at the window, cursing VIctoria for returning. She would only come back for one purpose and one purpose only: to destroy everything he had worked so hard for. He pictured Lilliana, about to jump, and how he saved her. He then pictured her walking down the isle on their wedding day, how he cried so hard when he saw her coming towards him. His heart warmed and he actually cracked a small smile. He loved her, loved her so much he would do anything to protect her, and walked out of the bathroom, watching the window a bit hesitantly, before shutting the lights off and going back downstairs. Lilliana made his day, she always made him happy, and thinking about her and seeing her beautiful face made all the negative thoughts go away.

She moved aside and let him sit down on the chair when he returned, and he pulled her onto his lap and kissed her. "You were gone a long time, are you sure you're ok, baby?" She asked, feeling his forhead. James grinned and nodded, cuddling her close to him.

"I'm ok, just a slight stomach ache. But I promise I'll be ok, baby girl."

"Do you want to go back to the apartment? If you're not feeling good we can go back and lie down."

"No no no, it'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'm ok." James gave her a convincing smile before kissing her forhead and wrapping his arms tightly around her. "I'm ok now, baby girl. I love you so much."

Lilliana smiled and snuggled next to him, her eyes fluttering closed after a few minutes. James grinned at the sleeping girl on his lap, and all the memories they shared came back at him, and he was filled with even more undeniable love to her. He kissed her forehead and watched her smile as she slept, and he too drifted off to sleep after a while. But the thoughts he had been having still bothered him, still lurked in the back of his mind. He knew it, he knew he saw her, and what bothered him the most was one unsettling question...why was she here?


	4. Old Problems

**Sorry if this chapter sucks, I'm really trying my hardest to get back into the swing of things. Plus I honestly have no idea where this story is going-I know how it's going to end but everything in between is white noise so far xD anyway, enjoy this, I'm trying to slowly ease more problems into the story and the next chapter will really kick things off-this is just sorta trying to get things going. Anyway, enjoy! -Alyssa**

James woke up that next morning with mixed emotions. He had nightmares all night, mostly about his past, and it tore at him until he couldn't take it. He barely got any sleep, which made him exceptionally glad that they had the weekend off. He yawned, stretched, and tried rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He glanced next to him, and all his exhaustion and irritability went away when he saw Lilliana sleeping next to him, curled up in a ball with her head tucked into the blanket. James gave a small laugh and bent down to kiss her cheek. Nothing in the entire world could take her place, nothing else could take away all the love he had for her.

"Morning, honey." Mrs. Knight's voice came from the kitchen and she appeared from behind the counter. "How you feeling? I know you were a little sick last night, you couldn't sleep."

"I'm doing good, thanks." He said, stretching his arms above his head. Lilliana stirred slightly, and hugged the blanket closer to her. James slowly stood up off the chair, so he wouldn't wake her. "This one helped me sleep." He ran a hand through his wife's hair. "She's so cute."

"So nothing yet, huh?" Mrs. Knight asked, taking a sip of her coffee. James frowned and looked at the ground, shaking his head.

"No." He sighed. "Nothing yet. I'm starting to get disappointed. What if something is wrong? Should we go to the doctor or something?"

Mrs. Knight smiled and set her cup down on the counter. "James, this happens. It could be stress, but sometimes it does take a while. If you've been trying for a few months, wait just a little bit more then go to the doctor if you're that worried. But, honestly, I think you guys just need to be a little more patient. This kind of thing takes time. Believe me, I've had two kids."

James laughed and sat down on a chair at the table. Mrs. Knight turned and grabbed an envelope off the kitchen counter. "I almost forgot. I picked up the mail, and this came for you today." She set it down on the table and winked at him, and James' smile grew even bigger when he noticed who it was from.

"Dad." He said, excitedly, like a child on Christmas morning. He tore open the carefully sealed white envelope and read the letter aloud to Mrs. Knight.

 _James,_

 _I know we haven't been speaking very much because of how busy I have been over here, but do know that I think about you and your mother all the time. It gets pretty lonely over here without you all, and I am so excited to say I will be coming home soon. Christmastime is the estimate, I can't say for sure, though. But just a few more months, bud, and I can see you again. It's been two years since I last saw you, on your wedding day. I think about you standing at the altar waiting for Lilliana and I just couldn't stop picturing the little boy you used to be. I never thought I would see that little kid all grown up, and now here you are, ready to give me my first grandkid and everything. Where did the time go?_

 _Anyway, hang in there, son. Just a few more months and we can all be a family again. I can't wait to see you, James. Please remember to stay strong, for me, at least._

 _-Dad_

"Oh my." James said, wiping a tear from his eye. Mrs. Knight came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I really miss my dad, Mrs. Knight."

"I know, baby, I know." She patted his shoulder and sighed. "But think of it this way, he's out there defending the country for you, your wife, and your future kid. He really misses you, too, and just remember, he said he will be back by Christmas."

"Thanks." He said, folding the letter back into the envelope and setting it on the table. "Just really rough without him, you know?"

"I know, hun, I know." She walked over to the stove and turned it on. "I'm going to be making pancakes, do you want some?"

"You know I'm always up for pancakes." James laughed. He turned in his chair and faced his friends, all sleeping on the couch, cuddled up next to their loved one. He watched Lilliana as she slept, so quiet, so peaceful, and his heart filled with even more love for the beautiful girl. He stood up and walked back over to her, lying down next to her and gently pulling the sleeping girl onto his lap. He pushed the hair out of her face as she yawned and snuggled her face into his neck, the smile emitting from her lips as she slept making James grin from ear to ear. He gently kissed her temple and closed his eyes once more, not stopping for one second thinking about how lucky he was to have an amazing life like the one that was granted to him.

* * *

Everyone was surprisingly up and awake with enthusiasm that morning. James pulled Lilliana onto his lap as they ate breakfast, and each time she took a bite, he would kiss her neck harder and harder. At one point, Carlos just laughed and pointed at the pair.

"We didn't sign up for breakfast porn this morning." He said. Alexa laughed and hit her boyfriend on the shoulder, while James and Lilliana just laughed.

"Hey, don't look at me, he's the one who insists on having sex anywhere at anytime." She winked at James. "Not that I don't approve, or anything."

"Damn, you're almost as bad as he is." Logan laughed. "Almost. Not quite."

"Gee, thanks, Logan." Lilliana said, smiling at him. She set her fork down on the table and suddenly frowned, her eyes secretly darting to mee James'.

"You're doing fine, baby girl." James whispered to her. Lilliana nodded and absentmindedly rubbed her arms, something both James and Carlos noticed. Carlos touched his scars as well, and James shot him a saddened look. James kissed Lilliana and gently pulled her off his lap. "I gotta run to the bathroom real quick, I'll be back down. Carlos, come with me real fast."

Carlos mouthed out the word "shit" and slowly stood up from the table. "Be right back." He said, kissing Alexa's cheek. She watched him, slightly puzzled, as he followed James up the stairs and into the room they used to share.

"Don't think I didn't see that." James said, folding his arms across his chest. "I have hawk eyes for the last five years. Is something wrong, Carlos?"

Carlos tried to come up with an excuse, but couldn't find any. He sighed and let his shoulders sink down low. "No, yes, ugh, I don't know." He sat down on the edge of his bed and closed his eyes. "I just been thinking about a lot of things, lately."

"Like?" James sat down next to him and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Like what? What's bothering you?"

"I really like Alexa, ok." He said, sighing. He fell back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "But...I don't know if she likes me."

James choked out a laugh. "You're kidding me, right?" He asked. He flopped down to join Carlos and shook his head. "You're crazy. That girl is crazy about you. You've been together for how many months now, she even tells you she loves you. Why would you ever think for one second she doesn't like you?"

"Because." Carlos sighed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, a painful memory flashing through his mind. "Five years ago."

James was silent for a few moments. "What about five years ago?" James was so unsure of where the conversation was going, he got slightly concerned.

"It's just...well, after you started, you know, hurting yourself, and after you tried to kill yourself, and I started cutting, I don't know, I've been really insecure since then." He held out his arm, revealing a long row of faded, white scars. They were almost invisible, like James', but they were all too visible to him. "I just, I feel like she's judging me, you know? Like, I can feel her looking at my scars and it feels like she isn't happy, like she wants someone better, more perfect, someone...not like me."

James sighed and placed a hand on Carlos' shoulder. "Listen here, asshole, I'm going to start off this speech by saying that is complete and utter bullshit." Carlos grinned and James turned back to staring at the ceiling.

"Listen, Alexa knew about what you went through, you were brave enough to personally show her your scars and tell her your story, and she welcomed you. In fact, she told you she loved you and that she would always protect you. She didn't care about what you went through, it might have even made her love you even more. And if she wouldn't have liked you because of that, it would make her a fucking bitch. But she's a good girl, Carlos, there's no reason for her not to like you."

Carlos faked a half smile and sighed. "I just, I don't know, I can't help it. I know our relationship is growing stronger, and I know we both love each other deeply, but what if, what if one day I ask her to marry me and she says no? I mean, I love her enough, but I always have this constant fear that she doesn't love me enough."

"That's normal, bud." James replied. "I thought the same thing about Lilliana, sometimes I still do. It's natural to feel like that, it just means you really like her. You've never really had a lot of girlfriends before, so you're kind of scared. Does that make sense?"

"I think you went to therapy for 5 years too many." Carlos laughed. "But, yeah, it does. Thanks buddy." Carlos grinned, and they both sat up and James slapped him across the back.

"Now let's go downstairs." James said, smirking. "We got two beautiful girls down there waiting for us."

* * *

Now that their summer tour had been drawn to an end, they had more free time to spend before they got into any more serious work. They had a few days of recording here and there, but Gustavo was giving them a whole week's vacation with absolutely no interuptions, and everyone was beyond excited for it.

"Just think about it. A whole week at the beach, with nobody to bother us." Carlos kicked his feet up on the table and sighed a grateful sigh. "It's been a while since we spent some time at the beach, what could be better?"

"It's going to be great." Lilliana said, resting her head against James'. "I love the beach." James grinned and kissed her cheek, causing her to blush. It made him feel so happy to see her blush like that, even after all the years they had been together. He grinned and kissed her again, nibbling on her skin slightly as his lips touched her.

"When do we leave?" Logan asked.

"Tomorrow morning, first thing." Kendall said, clapping his hands together. "Rise and shine, guys. No press, no fans, no Gustavo, no anything. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love our fans do death, but it will be nice to have a little bit of alone time for once."

"So what are we gonna do today? It's going to go so damn slow." Carlos groaned. Alexa laughed and patted his shoulder.

"It's supposed to rain, so if you boys plan to do something outside, you better have some sort of alternative." Mrs. Knight replied, cleaning up the dishes in the kitchen.

"We could have a Mario Kart rematch." Carlos said, smirking at everyone. "I am the king, you know."

"Why don't we try the pool first. Then if it rains, we can come inside and kick Carlos' ass." Kendall said, grinning at the last few words. Carlos shook his head and leaned back in his chair.

"Whatever you say."

"Let's get ready then. We can order pizza and stuff. Like our own personal going away party." James said, stroking Lilliana's hair.

"We're only going away for a week." Logan said.

"Food is food, dude." James said. "We're going to go get ready. We'll meet you back here in a bit, alright?" James said. He picked Lilliana up bridle style and carried her to the doorway. She was laughing then, but she lost it when Carlos called out across the room.

"Better be pregnant when you get back here!"

"I need some time with you all to myself." James said, wiggling his eyebrows as they entered their apartment. He kissed her softly, then with more force, and he set her down on the bed and crawled on top of her, kissing every inch of her body he could reach. She giggled and tried to push him away from her.

"James, I'm tired." She said, laughing. James sat on his knees like a young child and pouted.

"Oh, come on. Pleeeaaaase?" He asked, giving her a puppy dog face. Lilliana rolled her eyes and shook her head, smiling.

"Alright, you win." She said, and her innocent smile turned into a deep smirk and she pushed him backwards, taking over dominance. "But we're doing it my way this time."

* * *

"Damn, you guys were gone a long time. Where were you?" Kendall asked as James and Lilliana approached them at the pool.

"We would've been here sooner if we didn't have to do things her way." James grinned and Lilliana smacked him across his shoulder.

"Ow!" He yelped.

She laughed. "You deserved it."

James reached into his pocket, but started to panic when he couldn't pull out anything. "Hey, I think I dropped my phone somewhere in the lobby, I'm going to run back and get it. I'll be right back." James said, looking at the ground around him. "I'm sure I had it coming downstairs." He kissed Lilliana's head and turned around, looking at the ground with every step he took.

"Where is that God damned phone." He said to himself. He shook his head and laughed when he heard a voice shout at him from the other direction.

"You're always losing that fucking phone! Maybe you just shouldn't have one!"

James flipped Carlos off.

"Phone, phone, phone, phone." James cursed himself as he advanced through the lobby, shaking his head as his search turned up no avail. "Damn it, I need an alarm on that thing."

"Lose something?" A voice startled James. He turned and saw a girl holding his phone out to him. He quickly grabbed it and nodded towards her.

"Than-" James stopped mid sentence, his eyes growing wide. He couldn't believe it. "The fuck are you doing here?"

"Giving you your phone back, why'd you ask?" The voice, that hair, those curves, those _eyes._ James had to blink a few times to make sure he was seeing things right.

"Get out of here, Victoria." His voice was so low, he could almost barely hear it himself. "Get out of here...and leave me alone…"

She looked completely different. So different. Her hair was dyed from a dark brown to an almost unnatural black. Her skin was more tanned, she lost some weight, and she acted around him like nothing had ever happened between the two of them. James rubbed his eyes to make sure he was looking at the right person. He stumbled back a few more steps, gripping onto the wall for support. "Why did you follow me?"

"It's public property, I think I can be here if I want to be, right?" She flashed him a smirk and flipped her hair over her shoulder, placing a hand on her hip and raising her eyebrows, like she expected him to say something. James was still in complete and total shock. 5 years. It had been five long years since he last evcen spoke to her, and even today, he still recognized her in the blink of an eye, even though she looked completely different.

"You followed me here. I know you did." He whispered. He tried to back up some more, but was repressed by the wall he was touching to hold himself up. "I hate you. I always hated you. I'm married now, leave me alone."

"I heard about that, congratulations." She said, grinning.

"The sarcasm isn't appreciated."

Victoria shrugged and looked over her shoulder. "I gotta go, but maybe we can meet up later, catch up on what we all missed. Five years is a long time, you know."

"Fuck you." James turned and ran out of the lobby, nearly stumbling over chairs and tables as he left.

When he arrived back at the pool, phone clutched so tightly in his hands it made his knuckles turn white, everyone, who had already jumped in the pool, turned to him with concerned looks on their faces.

"James, what's wrong?" Kendall called out, but James didn't answer. He sat down on the pool chair, ignoring their calls to him, and buried his face in his hands. Lilliana exchanged a worried look with the others and hurried out of the water and dashed over to him, throwing her arm around him as she sat down next to him.

"James? What's wrong? You're like, extremely pale, are you ok? What, what happened? Come on, baby, what happened?"

But James couldn't speak, even if he would've tried, he wouldn't have been able to. All he could do in that moment was point over to the lobby. "I…" He tried starting, but he couldn't finish. "She, she…"

"What she? Who's 'she'?" Everyone else jumped out of the pool and rushed over to James, nobody saying a word, but all extremely worried. "James, who did you see over there?"

He didn't even have to say anything. All he did was lift his head to look at her, and Lilliana knew exactly who he was talking about. A tear slipped down his face and he turned away from his wife. "She gave me my phone. I didn't know who it was until I got a good look at her face. She changed, a lot. But I still knew."

Lilliana turned to the others, tears forming in the bases of her eyes, as well. She leaned over to look into the lobby, but she didn't find anyone. She turned back to James and scooted closer to him. She rested her head on his shoulder and rubbed her hand in circles around his back. "What this bitch say to you?" She asked him.

James closed his eyes for a few moments before looking into the lobby, no sign of the girl anywhere. He turned back to LIlliana and lowered his eyes. "She, she was asking me, like, she was talking to me about," James let out a frustrated sigh before attempting to continue on. "She tried to act like nothing ever happened, like she said hello and I told her she followed me here. She like, she tried to deny it, started getting smart with me. Told her I was married and didn't want anything to do with her, but she, she's acting...it's weird. I, I don't want to see her, I can't, I won't…" He started to shake, his hands rubbing his arms furiously, as if he was trying to rub the scars away. Lilliana took his hands and turned his head to look at her, seriousness in her eyes.

"She's gone now, and if she tries to start shit again, come get one of us. You don't need to be feeling that way anymore."

"I should go find this chick." Kendall said, furiously. "She can't be doing this to you. Not again."

"Just forget about it." James said, pushing his hair back and taking a deep breath. "We came here to have fun, and tomorrow we leave for the beach. For an entire week, too. Let's just put aside the stress and enjoy it all right now."

Everyone exchanged concerned glances before nodding and patting James' shoulder. "You'll be good, buddy." Logan said. "It's just anxiety that's making you react like this. If she comes back around we'll take care of it, ok?"

James nodded and stood up, taking Lilliana's hand and helping her up as well. He pulled her especially close to him, and flipped his hair aside and looked around once more, making sure that Victoria wasn't anywhere in sight. He was still slightly shaking.

"No need to feel depressed, now, is there?" Carlos grinned wickedly and picked Alexa up and jumped into the pool with her in his arms, her screams of excitement disappearing underneath the waves created by Carlos' splash. The other guys and their girls grinned and followed his lead, James having Lilliana jump onto his back as he dove in. Throughout the day, his eyes kept darting around looking for her, for the girl who nearly ruined his life five years ago. Lilliana noticed his gaze at times, and although she played it off like it didn't bother her, truly, it did. But she swallowed her feelings and went along with the day, James clinging to her like she was the most precious gem in the entire world; and to him, she really was. And nothing was ever going to change that. Ever.


	5. External and Internal Battles

**I am so sorry if this story is getting really boring. But I have been having an excellent week and I have been writing a lot. I'm getting into the drama now, after this chapter things are really going to start picking up speed. Anyway, let me know what you think! It means a lot. :) -Alyssa**

"Remember, tomorrow, first thing, you guys better be up and ready to leave cause we're not waiting." Kendall said, grinning at James and Lilliana. "I mean it-no being late this time. If you're not knocked up now, then something's gotta be up. Goodnight, guys."

"Goodnight Kendall." Lilliana chuckled. She took James' hand in hers and walked happily out of the pool area with him, leaning her head against his shoulder as they walked. "Let's go up to bed, baby, it's cold."

James smiled and kissed her temple. "God, you're so fucking needy." He laughed. Lilliana smacked him and tip-toed to reach his lips to kiss them. He smiled and draped his arm around her cold, quivering shoulder. "But I love you anyway. But, you know, just a little bit."

"Fucking asshole." She laughed, and kissed him again. James pressed the button to get onto the elevator and began nuzzling Lilliana's neck. "James, not here. Can't you keep it in your pants until we get upstairs?"

"Just shut up and kiss me." James said, and he smiled against her lips as the elevator door opened. But the two stopped dead in their tracks when a familiar voice spoke to James.

"You never could wait, could you?" Victoria grinned evily as she walked between them, stopping just a few feet away, placing a hand on her hip and cocking her head to one side. "Kissing in the middle of the lobby. Tsk, tsk, tsk, I thought you knew better than that, James." Her eyes met Lilliana's and Lilliana froze, not knowing what to do or what to say. "See you around." And she was gone. James frantically reached for Lilliana's hand and dragged her into the elevator, furiously pressing the button to escape the lobby as his breathing grew heavier and heavier.

"James…"

"Don't say anything."

But the elevator was taking forever to close, so James, in a major panic, forcibly took Lilliana by the hand and dragged her out of the elevator and up the stairs. "What are you doing?"

But James didn't answer. He kept going, Lilliana's feet practically dragging along the ground, for she was unable to keep up with his massive speed. When they finally reached their apartment, James dragged Lilliana inside and slammed the door shut, the noise echoing throughout the room. He bolted the door shut and slammed his back against the door, panting. He closed his eyes and let himself calm down a bit before he decided to move even in the slightest.

"James…" Lilliana said, taking a step towards him. She advanced slowly, because she saw James whenever he was panicking, and she didn't want to scare him. "James...was that her?"

Lilliana never met Victoria. And she never wanted to. But, the unusual greeting the two had just received in the lobby was her worst fear realized. James, still shaking, nodded his head and took a deep breath. "I don't want to talk about it." He said, his voice lowered. He took a few steps away from the door and leaned against the wall, pushing his hair back. He took several more deep breaths and tried to remain calm, but Lilliana could see he was still shaking.

"James, baby…" She said, approaching him. She placed her hands on his shoulders and rested her head against his. "James...let's go to bed. You'll feel much better after you're rested."

She didn't need to say anything, she couldn't even if she wanted to. She knew it bothered James to see her, a little too much, and so Lilliana just remained silent, taking James by the arm and leading him to their bedroom. She sat him down on the bed and felt his forehead, which had sweat dripping profusely from it. He didn't look at her-he couldn't. He stared blankly at his feet, almost expressionless. His fingers shook greatly, and Lilliana ran into the bathroom and grabbed a towel, wetting it before rushing it out to James. She held it against his head and lifted his chin, so his eyes would meet hers. "Baby…" She said. She gently pushed her lips to his for a brief moment before pulling back and stroking his hair. "I, I'll be right back, ok? You, you get ready for bed, honey. I'll be back in a second." Lilliana stood up and left the room, taking one last glance at James before exiting the bedroom and leaving the apartment.

A knock on apartment 2-J confused everyone inside. "Who could be knocking on our door this late?" Kendall questioned as her advanced over to the door. Swinging it open, he noticed Lilliana standing there, a concerned look on her face. "Lilliana, what's going on? Why are you here?"

Lilliana walked into the apartment and Kendall shut the door behind her. "Why do you look like a deer in headlights?" Logan asked as he walked up to her. He felt her forehead and draped an arm around her shoulder. "Where's James?"

"That's what I want to talk to you guys about." She said, biting her nails. She swiftly turned to face them, and everyone grew concerned looks on all their faces.

"Woah, what happened? What's going on? Where's James?" Carlos asked, rushing up to them. Lilliana waved her hand to calm them down.

"Calm yourselves, James is fine. He's back in the apartment. There's just, there's something I need to talk about." She sighed and shook her head. "We were on our way back up and, and, we saw someone. James wasn't lying, Victoria is here. James refuses to speak to me and I'm real worried about him. He hasn't tried anything in nearly 5 years and this really scares me. What if she does something to him and he goes back to the way he was? I mean, he's really shaken up over this, like, it's starting to mess with him a bit. Maybe we should get him back on his medication, maybe that'll help."

"Hold on, before we start talking about meds and stuff, there's some stuff we gotta look at." Logan ran a hand through his hair and paced around the room for a moment. "It's just stress, that doesn't necessarily mean he needs medication. We'll talk to him about how he's feeling, he's just angry. We know James, he's a completely different person than he was 5 years ago. He's strong, he's just stressed. Give him some rest, we'll, we'll take care of it in the morning."

"Thanks guys." Lilliana said. She sighed and left their apartment, heading over to her own to take care of her husband. She quietly locked the door behind her and peaked her head through the bedroom door. James was lying in bed with all the lights off, his back to her.

"James?" Lilliana asked, sliding into the bedroom. She shut the door and flicked the bedside lamp on.

"Turn it off." James voice barely sounded from underneath the blankets. Lilliana sighed and sat down on the bed next to him.

"James, we need to talk."

"I said turn the fucking light off."

Lilliana remained silent for a few moments and quietly reached over and flicked the lamp light off, filling the entire room with darkness once more. She sat there in silence for several moments, just staring at James' barely moving body, before getting up and stripping herself of her own clothes to get into her pajamas. She glanced over at James to see if he was looking at her, like he always did when she was changing, but this time, he did not. His head remained in the darkness, unmoving. Lilliana turned away from him and swiped all her clothes in her arms and went into the bathroom, locking the door shut behind her.

She threw her clothes on the ground and stared at her naked body in the mirror. She brushed her arms over all her scars and turned away from herself. Her reflection still quite often horrified her and sickened her to look at, and quite often she questioned why James even married her. She held out her hand and looked at the beautiful ring on her finger, and her mind flashed back to the day she met James on the Golden Gate Bridge. It wasn't the average love story you usually heard about, but that day literally saved her life. If it wasn't for James, she wouldn't be standing there at that moment. She rubbed her hand over her stomach, the image of her holding a child shattering through her mind. She slipped her clothes on over her body and hurried out the door, shutting the light on her 'disgusting' reflection.

Lilliana stood there in the darkness and stared at the bed. The faint outline of James sleeping appeared before her vision, and she questioned as to whether she should crawl in bed with him or not. "James?" She whispered, fidgeting with her hands. No response came from him, and she didn't say another word. She left the bedroom without making another noise, walking over to the couch and grabbing a blanket off the back. She turned on no light or TV, she just curled up in a ball in the corner, a tear slipping down her face, followed by another and another until she cried herself to sleep.

James woke up that next morning to a loud ringing in his ears. He slapped his hand against his ears to make it stop, but when it didn't, he realized it was his phone. He groaned and rolled over to pick it up. "What? It's 5 in the morning." He moaned, rubbing his eyes.

"Look alive, James! We're leaving for the beach in an hour!" Carlos' voice boomed through the phone, causing James to pull the phone away from his face and curse Carlos under his breath. "So you and Lilliana need to start packing!" The phone line went dead and James pushed his head against the pillow.

"God damn it." He swore. He took a deep breath and tossed his phone on a chair across the room. He pushed himself up in the bed and stretched his arms, then rubbing his eyes. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, but something felt different. He looked around the room, confused, then realized what wasn't there. "Lilliana?" He said out loud. He went over to the bedroom window and yanked the curtains open, letting a slim handful of light into the room. He looked around again, but could not find his wife anywhere. "Lilliana?" He called out. No reply. Panic started to fill him and he rushed to the door, swinging it open to be in the living room. There, he found his wife sleeping on the couch, all curled up in a ball with a blanket tucking her in.

"Lilliana?" James asked, walking over to her. He sat down on the couch next to her and ran his hand through her hair. "Lilliana? Baby girl, wake up. Why are you sleeping on the couch?"

Lilliana stirred from her sleep and sat up, rubbing her eyes and noticing it was James who woke her up. "No reason. Now can I go back to sleep?"

"Babe…" He said, turning her towards him and pulling her onto his lap. "Talk to me, why are you on the couch?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"No." James shook his head and pulled her even closer to him, running a hand through her hair. "Baby girl, talk to me. I didn't do anything, did I? Why, why didn't you sleep with me last night?"

Lilliana sighed and pushed herself off of him. She walked across the room and leaned against the wall, refusing to look at James. He jumped up and went over to her, confused and concerned, and wrapped his arms around her.

"Baby girl, what's bothering you? Please tell me, so I can fix it all for you…" He kissed her cheek and moved the hair out of her face. A tear slipped down Lilliana's face and she quickly brushed it away, but James noticed it and pushed his lips to the corner of her mouth. "Baby, why are you crying?"

"James," Lilliana said, sniffling, "You didn't want me around you last night. You were so pissed off over seeing, over seeing...her...you yelled at me and were really mad. I didn't want to make you even more angry. So I slept on the couch."

James frowned and looked away from her, cursing himself under his breath. "Shit." He said. He brushed his hair back and sighed. "I, I am so sorry, baby girl, I didn't mean it. I was just mad, I, I didn't mean to take it out on you. I, I am so sorry, princess…"

Lilliana began to quietly sob as she turned her back from James. A tear slipped down James' face as well and he wrapped his arms tightly around Lilliana, beginning to kiss her neck slowly. A few of his own tears hit her shoulder and she turned to look at him. "Why are you crying?" She asked him.

"Baby, I, I can't believe I was mean to you. I, I am so sorry, baby girl. I was just angry, and I really shouldn't have taken it out on you. If you want, for the next, like, year, I'll sleep on the couch and you can sleep in the bed. Fuck it, I'll even sleep on the lawn if I have to."

Lilliana chuckled a little and James touched her chin, smiling along with her. He kissed her and wiped the tears off her face. "There's that smile." He said. He kissed her once more and rested his chin on her shoulder. "And I really am sorry. I'll do anything to make it up to you."

"I think I can make it up to you too." Lilliana smiled and kissed him. "The beach is waiting for us. There's lots of stuff that can happen on the beach."

"Hot damn." James said, smirking. He kissed Lilliana and went over to the bedroom door and swung it open. "We better get packing, then."

The beach house was an hour and a half away, and the guys would be spending an entire week there. No paparazzi, no studio, no practicing, no anything. Just the guys, their girls, and nothing else but ocean waves and the soft, cool sand. James looked at the sleeping girl curled up in a ball on his front seat. He gazed down at the wedding ring on his finger, then back at her, and his lips curled into a fantastic smile. He took hold of her hand as she slept, and smiled as he drove on in silence, the beach just coming into view beyond the road ahead of him.

He gently nudged his wife's shoulder and took her hand again. "Babe, we're here."

Lilliana stirred from her sleep and sat up, rubbing her eyes and looking around. "Are we there yet?" She asked, her voice groggy. James smiled and rubbed her leg.

"It's right up ahead, baby girl. We're gonna have so much fun." He leaned over and kissed her temple before pulling up to the beach house. "You slept the entire way here."

"Well. I'm sleepy." She yawned and stretched, and James smiled and parked the car. "What time is it?"

"Almost 8." He got out of the car and went around to open her door for her. "Come on, babe. We got a big week ahead of us, and it's gonna be totally fun and stress free."

Lilliana smiled and took his hand as he led her over to the beach house. "It's beautiful." She said, the other guys pulling up behind them. "I know I say that every time we come here, but still, it's so beautiful. And the ocean," Lilliana let go of his hand and ran towards the water, kicking sand up with every step she took. She stood next to the house as she took in the breathtaking scene before her eyes. "It's perfect. I love it. Oh my."

James approached her and draped an arm around her shoulder. "Let's move all our stuff from the car to the room, then we can head down to the water, ok baby?"

Lilliana nodded and ran back to the car to help James. As they each grabbed something and hauled it to the house, Lilliana could not stop staring at that incredible view of the water, her smile growing brighter and wider with each glance she took, which only made James smile much, much more. Kendall, Carlos, and Logan joined the two on the inside.

"Oh, how I've been waiting for this." Carlos exclaimed when they all met. "Long overdue, extremely long and overdue. No interuptions, no studio, no work whatsoever. It's perfect. It's wonderful."

"A whole week of no problems and no stress." James said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Something I definitely need right now."

"Then let's hurry our ass up and head down to the water." Lilliana said, smirking. She happily went off to her and James' room, to which James chuckled and shook his head.

"She is something else, let me tell you what." He said, turning to the other guys. "Never seen anything quite like her."

"Well, go then, or apparently you're going to be in some big trouble." Kendall laughed. James shook his head and began walking away.

"You guys are something else, too. Damn." James laughed, and he went to join his wife wherever she went off to.

"There you are." James said, entering the room he and Lilliana usually took. "You just kinda skipped off."

Lilliana turned to James and grinned, shaking her head at the same time. "James, we have known each other for 5 years, have been married for two, and are trying to have a baby together. I think you should know more about me by now, babe."

James grinned and grabbed a nearby pillow and chucked it at her, but she dodged it perfectly and uttered a laugh. "I certainly know you well enough. I can tell your every move."

"Shut the fuck up and kiss me." James demanded. Lilliana grinned and advanced towards him, James wrapping her up in her arms and brushing the hair out of her face. He slowly brought her face to his and gently pushed his lips against hers, his hands at her waist, holding her tightly against him. "Lilliana Grace Diamond, you have got to be the most amazing person I have ever met in this lifetime."

Lilliana cocked an eyebrow and pushed herself away from him. "What do you mean _this_ lifetime? Are you telling me there's other girls in other lifetimes?"

James was oddly confused for a moment, but when he saw the hidden smile on her face, he grinned and pushed her farther away from him. "Get the fuck outta here."

"Let's go down to the water, babe." She said, laughing. She began stripping her clothes off to put her bathing suit on, when James smirked as he watched her.

"Now you're just teasing me." He said. Lilliana laughed and shrugged her shoulders.

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I guess we'll never know then. Now get dressed, cause I'm going down with or without you."

James laughed and shook his head, and in that moment, he really started thinking about just how wonderful a girl he really had.

* * *

"Look! Look over there!" LIlliana dashed across the sand, sending the small, tan particles up into the air in bunches, and came skidding to a stop along the water's edge. She shielded her eyes from the sun as she scanned the ocean water, a bright smile coming to her face, the water crashing against her toes as she peered over the blue scene. "Out there! Look, guys, look!" She pointed out a little ways into the ocean, and James came trotting over to her, resting his elbow on her shoulder.

"What am I supposed to be looking at?" He asked.

"Out there! Look! Look how many there are!"

James' eyes squinted against the hot sun, and he finally spotted what Lilliana was gawking at. There, just a few yards in front of them, was a family of dolphins. Lilliana grinned and jumped excitedly. "Dolphins, James, dolphins! They're so pretty, and there's so many! ANd look, look, look, look! There's a baby! Aw, it's so little! Look, James, look! Dolphins!"

James smiled as he watched them and listened to Lilliana's excitement. He knew she absolutely adored dolphins, and everytime she saw them she got more and more excited, and he enjoyed how overjoyed she felt.

"They're so beautiful!" Alexa exclaimed as she joined the duo. "And there's so many of them all!"

"There's a baby!" Lilliana exclaimed, pointing outwards into the horizon. James laughed and shook his head as Jo and Camille joined the girls, and the other guys joined himself.

"They're something else." Kendall said, approaching James and leaning against him. "But I'm glad we all have them."

"Every time I see Alexa get so excited like that about something, it makes me more and more nervous for the wedding in a few months." Carlos nervously shifted his feet and sighed. "I've never been married before. How's it working out for you, James?"

James laughed. "Just fucking peachy." He replied. "I hate it." Carlos looked at him confused and James just laughed and shook his head. "I'm kidding, Carlos. It is the best feeling in the entire world. I mean, I get to wake up every morning next to her, love her, hold her, kiss her, and smile and laugh with her every single day. I get to be with my very best friend for the rest of my life, and Carlos, there is nothing fucking better than that. Ever."

Carlos grinned from ear to ear and slapped James across the back. "Thanks, bud. I really appreciate it."

"You two, good luck." James said, turning to Kendall and Logan. "Your weddings aren't for a very long time, you got more time to shit yourself before she starts talking about babies and stuff."

The guys laughed and James pushed his hair back, his eyes drifting to Lilliana as she watched the dolphins, her smile so wide it could hold all the sunshine in the world in it. "But seriously, marriage is the best feeling I've ever had. And the fact that we are going to be starting a family soon, it's amazing. I mean, I'm going to be holding a mini me."

"We're all doomed." Logan groaned. James shot him an angry look, but Logan just laughed. James grinned and tossed a handful of sand at him.

"You ass."

"Thank you, darling."

James smiled and turned away from them, but out of the corner of his eye he saw something that made him nearly drop to his knees.

"Fuck, no no no no no. Fuck no, she can't be here. God damn it, what the fuck." James exclaimed, his body shaking. The other guys, concerned, turned to James.

"Dude, what's the matter? Why are you freaking out like this?" Kendall asked. James pointed to across the beach.

"That, that's her, that, that's her, I know it's her, I can see her! Look, she's right there!" The guys peered against the seering hot sun, but saw nobody in the distance.

"Are you feeling ok?"

"There's nobody over there."

James squinted, trying to see better. No, he saw people over there, he definitely did, and one of them was HER.

"I swear, I saw her over there." James said, still somewhat shaking. Logan came up to James and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"James, you're stressing yourself way too much here. Look, I know this has been on your mind lately, but just relax! You're here at the beach, you're having fun, and you got a beautiful wife right here by your side. Everything will be fine, James, that's why we're here. To take off some of this stress."

James smiled and nodded. "Thanks, bro. I don't know what I'd ever do without you guys."

Carlos shrugged. "You'd be totally lost." He said. All the guys laughed and James continued to watch Lilliana and the other girls, how happy she looked, how perfect she looked, and suddenly all his stress disappeared and he felt safe and at peace once more. He glanced back over his shoulder across the beach. He saw nothing.

"B-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l." Lilliana spelled out the word, elongating the letter sounds as much as she possibly could. She undid her ponytail and let her hair fall down past her shoulders as she stepped up to the window. "Just beautiful. Look at how that sun just sets."

James grinned as he folded up his clothes. "You are something else, girl." Lilliana turned to smirk at him. "Just something else."

"Fucking amazing, that's what I am." She flashed him a big, goofy smile, bearing her teeth, which made James smile even wider than he already was. "You better keep that grin on your face, Diamond."

James laughed. "Oh, should I?" He continued folding clothes. "And what are you gonna do to me if I don't?"

Lilliana smirked and ran up to James, pouncing onto his back. James laughed and tried to shake her off. "What are you doing?" But Lilliana just laughed and clung onto James, wrapped her arms around his neck as he gripped at her legs. "You really are something else, aren't you?"

Just as the two were parading around the room like that together, James was distracted by a beeping sound coming from his laptop. "That's skype. It's gotta be my dad." James said. He dashed over to his laptop, Lilliana still on his back, and flung it open to quickly answer the call. WHen he saw his father's face appear on the screen, his smile instantly lit up once more.

"Hey, dad." He said, taking his hands off Lilliana's legs. "I'm surprised you found some time to call me."

"I had some unexpected free time. I wanted to see my son." Mr. Diamond said, smiling. He waved at Lilliana. "Mrs. Diamond."

Lilliana jumped down from James' back and saluted him, to which James and his father laughed. Lilliana kissed James' cheek before walking away. "Have a good talk, hun." She said.

James turned to his dad. "Is everything alright over there?"

His father sighed and lifted his leg up to set it on the table that was in front of him. He pulled up his leg to reveal a bandaged wound. "Got caught in a bear trap today. Hurt like hell, but I'll be alright. The guys got me out real quick before the enemy could reach us. It's getting pretty crazy over here."

James' heart sunk in his chest. "Dad...please, I, I just want you to be ok. Are you going to be ok? Are you still coming home for Christmas?"

Mr. Diamond smiled and nodded. "Yes, son, I'll be ok. The wound isn't very serious. And I am still coming, that I know of, home for Christmas. That's the plan. ANd I wouldn't want to miss another Christmas with you and Lilliana for the world. I'll parachute to Minnesota or California or wherever you will be this year personally."

James smiled and wiped a tear from his eye. "I miss you dad. I miss you a lot. I can't wait to see you again. Lilliana can't wait to see you, either. Neither can the guys. Or mom. Have you talked to her recently?"

"I called her earlier today. I miss all of you, I really do. Nobody is more excited to come home more than I am. And when I get back, I expect there to be news of a little one joining us really soon, you hear?"

James laughed. "I can't promise you anything, dad." His smile quickly faded. "It, it's not working, though. We've been trying for a long time. It's actually starting to frighten me a little bit that nothing is working."

"Be patient, bud. It'll happen. You've told me you've been under a lot of stress. That can be it. Just give it time, I got a feeling it'll happen soon. Listen, I gotta go, but I promise I will call you again real soon and I'll write to you, too. I won't stop being in touch, I promise. I love you, son, and please, stay safe for me."

James tried to smile as he saluted his dad. "Yes, sir." He choked up. He and his dad said their goodbyes and signed off, James not saying a word as he shut his laptop. Lilliana noticed his behavior and walked over to him.

"James? Are, are you gonna be alright, baby? Do you want to talk about it?"

James shook his head and stood up, turning around to face her. He pulled her close to him and kissed her forehead. "Let's go to bed, ok? Today's been great, and I just want tomorrow to come as fast as it can."

Lilliana frowned, for she knew James was trying to hide his emotions, something he quite often did, but kissed him anyway. "Ok, baby." She replied, softly. The two pulled apart and began to strip themselves of their clothes. Lilliana turned to watch James, a smirk on her face, as she removed the last article of her bathing suit, waiting for him to say something smart to her, like that she was teasing him, but she quickly frowned when she saw he wasn't even looking at her. His back was turned to her, and he was putting his clothes on himself ever so slowly, not saying a single word. Lilliana slipped her shirt on over her head and sighed, walking over to James. "Is everything alright?" She asked. James nodded, still not looking at her.

"Everything is just fine, Lilliana. I'll be in bed in a minute." His voice was cold. Lilliana was slightly shocked at his attitude. He was hardly ever that depressed, and the way he was treating her somewhat worried her. But she said no other word as she turned and got into bed, crawling underneath the blankets and curling up into a ball, closing her eyes and not looking at James, either.

She felt as James got into the bed, and when she cracked her eyes open, noticed he had his back turned to her. She felt incredibly hurt when she saw this, and contemplated for several minutes if she should say something or not before she inched close to him, her chest touching his back as she rested her chin on his shoulders.

"James, baby, are you ok? What's the matter, hun, talk to me, please…" She began, but James was not amused.

"Please, just...stop. Just stop right now, ok? I don't want to be bothered. Lilliana, go to bed. Now."

"But James…"

"I said fucking leave me alone!"

Lilliana pulled away from him, shocked, but remained silent and did as he said, silent tears slipping down her face as she pulled away from him and turned her back to him as well, and after she assumed James had gone to sleep, she went to sleep herself, but cried every second of it, as softly as she could make it.

James heard her. He heard every sound, every noise, every little thing she did. His heart shattered as he heard the tears flow from her eyes, but he did not turn around, for he was fighting an internal battle of his own. He just didn't want to talk to anyone, and if he spoke to Lilliana, he would just grow more angry, and he didn't want to start yelling at her. But he could kick himself for letting her cry herself to sleep like that, and the more he thought about it, the more he hated himself for it. But there were just so many things that were running through his mind that he couldn't keep track of.

* * *

He hardly got any sleep. He would sleep every now and then, but would wake up like clockwork every few minutes. He kept having awful dreams about his past, and saw flashbacks of things he tried to forget and absolutely did not want to remember. He saw the guys meeting Kyle, his fans deserting him, all the horrible things people were calling him online and in person, asking Victoria out, their first date together, losing his virginity with her...then he saw her kissing Kyle, betraying him, giving away all his trust and having it vanish from him forever. He couldn't trust anyone else. No matter how much time and effort he put into someone, at that point in his life, they would always leave him, no matter what. The guys blaming him for everything, Victoria lying to him the entire time they were together, him running back to his apartment and taking the bottle of pills...he saw all of it. And it killed him inside. It ate and ate at him until the point where he just downright refused to sleep because every time he closed his eyes, he saw it all. The bridge, the pain, the hurting, the razors...all of it. He lied awake in bed, staring out the window at the dark waters crashing into the shoreline. He glanced at the table next to his bed and swiped his phone, glancing over his shoulder to make sure his wife was sleeping. He opened up his phone and logged onto twitter, and opened up Victoria's page, something he hadn't done in a long, long while.

He scrolled through her timeline and saw all the tweets, pictures of her and her friendsm happy and smiling. No matter how hard he tried to forget, he couldn't erase the things they said to each other out of his mind, absolutely nothing. He still remembered every detail of the stories she told him, especially the one about how she found her sister hanging in her bedroom, how she thought it was all her fault, how she started cutting her legs. He could still see those scars to that day; they were burned into his memory forever.

One recent thing she tweeted stopped his heart. As he stared at her page, he tried to make it all go away, he tried making it all not be true. _Officially moved back into California! Los Angeles...so beautiful! Forgot how much I missed this place._

No...officially moved back in? She was lying, she had to be lying, she had to be messing with him. But he kept reading further and further. _Already got a small acting job. Just a few commercials...but it's something!_

 _Things are looking up, guys. I can really feel it. And I love it. Every minute of it._

 _Out of all the bads things that have happened, I'm glad things are finally beginning to get better._

"No, fuck you Victoria, no!" He said, his voice growing louder and louder, not caring if he woke up Lilliana or not. No, this couldn't be true. She was acting like her life was so terrible, like she didn't do anything wrong. Like _she_ was the one who had to endure years and years of torture and therapy and new medications and nightmares and seeing things when nothing was there and…

James just started crying.

He threw his phone across the room until it smashed against the wall, and he didn't care if it broke completely or not. He covered his face with his hands and let out a muffled scream, and kicked out his legs angrily two times before settling down, his face becoming wet with tears. All those memories he tried to forget came rushing back, and he was powerless to stop them from breaking into his subconscious. And now, he was filled with guilt at the fact that he was extremely rude to his wife and was forced to listen to her cry herself to sleep. He started hearing voices echoing through his head, of different people throughout his life, shouting obscenities at him and screaming into his ears. At one point he couldn't take it, so he got up, swiped his jacket off of a chair, and stormed down to the beach.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked slowly against the wind, not bothering to shield his face very much. All he could think of were self-abusive thoughts, the depression that always lingered through his mind chewing and chewing at his brain, slowly killing him inside. But he was not going to let that happen, not again. It's taken him years and years of therapy, medication, and help to get him where he was at in that moment, and he didn't want to lose his happiness for some stupid incident. He turned back towards the beach house, all the lights out; making it unusually dark. The only light he had was the bright light of the moon, lighting up the sand and water and making the ocean seem as if it were an endless horizon. He looked back at the house again and bit his lip, swiftly turning away from it, attempting his best not to start crying once more. He knew he was supposed to stay strong and keep his mind off of things; that's what he was taught all these years. But thinking about the way he talked to Lilliana and made her cry herself to sleep, and he felt the guilt hit him like a baseball bat in his gut.

He stopped on the beach and sunk his feet into the sand, allowing the water to puddle around his toes. He stared vacantly out into the ocean, his self abusive thoughts echoing through his brain and surrounding his vision, not allowing him to think straight. He felt sad, upset, hurt, confused, and guilty. He just pictured Lilliana lying there, crying herself to sleep, with upsetting thoughts flooding her mind. The sound of her crying echoed louder in his head than any other voice did in that moment, and it wasn't long before a tear fell down his face, followed by another and another and another until he was once again crying. He swiftly turned and headed back towards the beach house, slow at first, until his feet kicked up and he was running full speed.

He made as little noise as possible as he entered the house, quietly locking the door behind him. He made his way upstairs to Lilliana, peeking his head in and taking a quick glance at her. She was sleeping, peacefully, but the look on her face wasn't relaxed as it usually was when she slept. His heart shattered a little bit more as he looked at her face. He quietly entered the room and advanced towards the bed. He crawled into bed next to her and inched as close as he could to her body, and wrapped his arms around her so tightly, he refused to let her go.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered in her ear, holding back tears. "I, I am so sorry, baby girl. I am so sorry."

He kissed her cheek softly, a tear falling from his face onto hers, and then pressed his lips to hers for a brief moment. "I love you, baby girl. And I am so sorry. I acted like an ass. I know you can't hear me, but I am so sorry. I know I don't deserve someone like you, and I shouldn't act the way I do. And I want to tell you I appreciate every single little thing you do for me, and if you don't want to talk to me again, I understand, baby girl. I love you, I love you so fucking much." He rested his head against the pillow and closed his eyes, but he felt Lilliana swiftly flip herself around in bed and throw her arms around James, snuggling as close to him as she could possibly get. "Baby girl," James whispered, but she shut him up by kissing him. She said no words, no anything, just kissed him that once and cuddled up next to him, falling soundly asleep once she was sleeping on his chest, and that was all James needed to calm him down before drifting off to sleep himself.

* * *

"You can stop apologizing, James." Lilliana said, tying her hair up in a ponytail as she watched the water. "I said I forgive you. Like, 30 times, too."

James sighed. "No, I was an ass to you. I said some pretty nasty things last night and you have no idea how guilty I feel. Nobody says things like that to a person."

"People fight."

"But what I said was not normal. That was just cruel."

"I'm used to it, James."

James stopped dead in his tracks and turned to her. "That's not good, Lilliana." He said to her. She sighed and stared out the window, unmoving. "You shouldn't be used to that, and shouldn't let it happen to you because it's a common feeling you experienced."

"You spent too many years in therapy."

James smirked, but only for a moment. "You deserve to be treated like a queen, Lilliana." He said, walking over to her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "Not like shit."

"My name is baby girl." She said, turning to look at him. James laughed and bent down to kiss her.

"Like I said, you're something else." He rested his head on her shoulder and stared out at the morning scene in front of them. "And listen, I really am sorry. I shouldn't have acted the way I did, and I deserve it for you to hate me. But listen, I'm going to make it up to you. Today is gonna be your day. We're going out together, just the two of us, for the whole day. I know we've been arguing a lot lately, and we're at a rocky place here, and we need to be spending more time together because of work, so today I decided I'm going to take you out. It's your day, baby girl. We're going to do everything you always wanted to do, but never got to do. We can picnic on the beach, go swimming together, go for a walk holding hands, all that cliche shit." Lilliana smiled. "And maybe later, we can head on down to the beach tonight and work on that baby we're trying for." He kissed her forehead. "Because tonight I really feel like it's the night. Something good is going to happen, I feel it."

No sooner than he had said that, Kendall came bursting into the room, a distraught look on his face. "I know I should've knocked knowing you two, but we got some problems here." He said. He pushed his hair back and sighed.

"Why, Kendall? What happened? Is something wrong?" Lilliana asked, walking towards him. "Did something happen?"

Kendall sighed. "James, it's Gustavo. He is absolutely pissed. Apparently the rival studio released some new tracks with their new boyband and everyone is flocking over to them. He wants us back in L.A. right now to work on some new stuff."

"Tell him to fuck off. We have literally been here for one day. He can't do this on our vacation, Kendall."

Kendall shrugged his shoulders. "I can't stop this. And I don't want trouble. But Kelly said it is extremely important that we get back to the studio today. Get packed, we gotta leave." With that, Kendall left, and James let out a frustrated yell and slammed his fists against the wall.

"God damn it!" He shouted, gripping at his hair. "Ugh, fuck! This day, this week, it was supposed to be perfect and now it is ruined!"

"James, calm down, it's ok. You need to go, you need to go. We can come back another day." Lilliana told him.

James sighed and shook his head. "No, it's not ok. I, I wanted everything to be perfect for you. We really have been fighting a lot lately and I wanted to fix everything for us. I've been under a lot of stress with work and my dad and everything going on, and I, I just can't take this all anymore. I don't want to. I wanted to come here and just stay here."

Lilliana sighed. "James, please. Just go back, maybe we can come back here this weekend. Just the two of us."

James sighed. "I just wanted this all to be perfect and stress free. I, I'm sorry, but I been losing it lately. All these thoughts are coming back into my head and I just can't deal with this stress anymore."

Lilliana's eyes grew wide and she rushed over to James, placing a hand on his shoulder and looking into his eyes with concern. "James, please….d-don't, don't say that. Baby, please don't. If, if you're feeling this way, maybe we can take you to see a therapist again, just to talk things out. Please, just, just don't do anything stupid. I'll do anything to keep the same James here with me. Even if you just go and see someone once a week, once every two weeks, hell, even once a month, just go and talk things out. I, I'm worried about you, baby."

James ran his hand through her hair. "I'm ok, baby girl, just stressed out. I'll be alright, I promise. And if you want to come back here this weekend or next week or something, we will do whatever you want. I just want you happy. When you are happy, I am happy." He kissed her forehead. "I love you so much. Now let's go. Before Gustavo blows up and it gets all over the news." James began heading out the door, but stopped, turned around, and smiled in thought. "You know, waiting a few more minutes wouldn't be too bad…"

Lilliana laughed and rolled her eyes. "Get out of here." She said, and she ran up to him and pushed him out of the door, the two of them laughing the entire time.

* * *

"You better have a fucking good explanation for this." James said, scowling at Gustavo as he entered the studio. "We were on vacation."

"There's a new boyband in the rival studio, and trouble is on it's way, because the God damn place has this band everywhere, and they're getting a lot of attention. If we don't do something soon, Big Time Rush could be in some big time trouble."

"I'm pissed at you." James said through gritted teeth. He was about to scream some other obscenities at him, but the other guys held him back, Kendall covering his mouth.

"We're gonna get to work now." Kendall said, him and the other guys dragging the stressed out James along to the studio.

Back at the Palm Woods, Lilliana decided, after cleaning the apartment, to go out for a walk. She wanted to release some stress as well, and thought it would be nice if while she was out, she would buy something little for James, and prepare him his favorite meal for when he got back. He had been so stressed out lately, she wanted him to calm down and relax a little. They would spend a little time alone together that night, and Lilliana would make sure that it was all 100% stress free.

As she was walking through the lobby, grocery bags in each hand, she approached the elevator. Just as she was about to get onto the elevator, a voice stopped her.

"Need any help with those, ma'am?"

Lilliana, confused at first, turned to face the voice, but found no words able to form in her throat when she saw who was speaking to her.

"Nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Diamond. I'm so glad it is official right now. Current wife meets ex girlfriend." Victoria flashed a snarky smile and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Nice to see you here, did you ever think that the two of us would meet, by any chance?"

"Why the fuck are you doing this to my husband?" Lilliana growled. She set her bags down on the floor and folded her arms over her chest. "I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but whatever you want, it's not happening. I don't know what you're trying to do to James now, but whatever it is, it isn't happening either. Lay off and stop following us around."

Victoria laughed and shook her head. "Oh, Lilly, Lilly, Lilly, you are so young and naive." She smiled at her. "I don't understand what you see in James."

"You dated him once." LIlliana growled, anger fuming inside of her. "Why would you say that about him?"

"Long story short, I'm sure you've heard it all." Victoria replied. "I was the first person he ever loved. Took his virginity and everything. I still have it, by the way, in case you're wondering, darling."

Lilliana was always such a peaceful person. She never got into fights, was never in a fist fight in her life. But at that moment, she felt like she had no control over her hands, and she was about to let all hell break loose if this girl kept her shit up.

"I'll kill you." Lilliana threatened. "I'll rip that fucking head right off your shoulders if you keep talking, you son of a bitch."

"He told me he loved me." Victoria said. "He said he loved me. Took me in his arms and carried me. But, you know, guess we sort of just fell off there at the end. Too bad he was in the hospital then, we could've picked up where we left off. He wouldn't have met you then, babe, and you'd probably still be at the bottom of the ocean."

Now Victoria was just flat out taunting Lilliana and it made her fume on the inside. She never felt more angry than she did right then. "Why are you doing this? Why are you here? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Well, you know. I was just passing through the neighborhood and thought it would be nice if I stopped by. I was hungry and was in the mood for something sweet tasting, thought I'd stop back here for old times sake and get some revenge. Tastes fucking great so far." She smirked and leaned in closer. "Just imagine what James thought about me that he will never think about you."

"You hurt him."

"He deserved it."

"You nearly killed him!"

Victoria smirked and said something that officially pushed Lilliana right over the edge. "Curiosity killed the cat, I guess."

Lilliana had no control over herself. She lunged after Victoria, and smashed her real good in the mouth. Victoria flew backwards, her head cracking on the ground. It was several moments before she could collect herself enough to pick herself up. She ran towards LIlliana, and what ensued was a cat fight unlike any other one that ever took place.

* * *

"I just can't wait to go home, lay down with my beautiful wife, and get this entire fucking day over with." James said to the guys as they walked through the lobby. James raised his eyebrow, confused, as people looked at him and whispered as he passed. "Why is everyone looking at me funny?" He asked.

"I don't know, but you should get upstairs before something stresses you out even more. Now go upstairs, get undressed, and go baby-making with your wife." Carlos said, laughing. James smiled and shook his head as the group got off the elevator onto the second floor.

"You guys know how to cheer a guy up. Thanks, guys, I'm glad you're my friends." James said, smiling. He was about to head off to his and Lilliana's apartment when Jo flung the door to apartment 2J open and stopped the guys dead in their tracks, a worried look on her face.

"What's wrong, Jo? Is everything alright? What is it? What happened?" Kendall asked, rushing up to her. Jo looked across everyone's face, but stopped at James.

"I think you guys need to come in here and see this." She said, motioning for everyone to come into the apartment. James rushed into the apartment, and was horrified when he saw his wife sitting near the kitchen.

Camille and Alexa were sitting on each side of her, one holding an ice pack to her head, one bandaging up her arm. Mrs. Knight was retrieving water, while Katie was wetting a towel to wipe up blood. Everyone in the room stopped to look at James as he came in, the look on his face unlike anything anyone had ever seen before.

Lilliana had a black eye, her hair was an absolute mess, looking like some had actually been pulled out, she had scratches all over her, and her nose was bleeding. She looked at James with a blank expression. "Got into my first fight today." She said, but James could barely understand what she was saying because of her swollen lip.

"What the fuck is this? Baby, please, what is this? What happened? Who did this to you?" James shouted, immediately rushing over to Lilliana's side, placing a hand on her bruised cheek. "You look like you've been attacked!"

"I was." She said, coughing with each word she spoke. "But I threw the first punch."

James was shaking uncontrollably. "Oh my God, baby girl, who did this to you? What happened?"

"Your ex." She needed not to say anymore. Everyone looked at James, whose expression at the moment was unreadable. His jaw dropped as he touched her damaged face. "I saw her in the lobby and we got into it. Wasn't exactly the first encounter I had in mind."

"What the fuck did she do this for? Where is she? I'll kill that son of a bitch for doing this to you, I fucking swear to God. I'll kill her."

Lilliana winced in pain. "She started saying a bunch of nasty shit about you. Then she started talking about how you loved her first, about how she had sex with you first, and this and that. Then she started talking nasty about me, and I don't know what happened, when she said she was doing this for 'revenge', I lost my shit. I never been in a fist fight before, but something came over me and I fucking swung at her. Then she came after me, until the two of us had blood all over the carpet. A bunch of people from the Palm Woods pulled us apart. Alexa, Camille and Jo found me and took me here, and I don't know where the fucking bitch was taken off too."

James scowled, and got the angriest expression any person could have ever gotten. "This crosses the line. She can stalk me all she wants, taunt me, say nasty things about me, but she touched my wife, and she stepped over the fucking line. I swear to God, I fucking swear, I will find this bitch and knock the fucking lights out of her."

"James, calm down a little bit, please. Let's take care of Lilliana first, then we will worry about what to do about...you know who." Mrs. Knight said. "Right now, we need to bandage her up. Logan, can you come help us, please?"

Logan nodded and rushed to Lilliana's side, assisting the girls in bandaging her. The other guys jumped in as well, but James was absolutely furious. All the while, he wanted to get up and chase down this bitch, find the girl who decided to mess his wife up, who actually may or may not be pregnant. When he thought about that, it really set him off, screaming and yelling and threatening to call the police. He helped his wife, bandaging her up, made sure she was ok, and all the while thoughts kept racing back and forth in his head, violent thoughts, thoughts he thought were long and gone a while ago. But he remained silent, kept his cool, because if he didn't, he would explode and lose his shit all over again. And he made a promise to Lilliana that he would try his best not to do that again. _Try_ not to.


	6. Day After Day

**Hello! I have neglected this story for several months and truth be told, I don't remember writing a lot of it xD I sorta lost interest in writing for a while, got a lot of stuff going on. :/ But anyway, I've been writing this chapter for like over a month straight and it's probably the longest chapter I've ever written xD enjoy this! -Alyssa**

"I'm gonna fucking find her." James said, pacing the room.

"James, this is just anger talking, calm yourself down before you do anything you regret." Logan said, holding an icepack to Lilliana's face. "Let's help her first before we do anything irrational."

"Irrational? _Irrational?_ My fucking ex girlfriend, who's been stalking me for days, brutally attacked my wife. What if she is pregnant? What if Victoria did something to the baby? I'll kill her. I swear."

"I got her pretty good though." Lilliana said, smirking. "Might have broken that bitch's nose."

"Well, damn, Lilliana's got an arm." Carlos said. He patted her back. "Who would've known."

"This is not a time to be funny, Carlos." James said. He sighed and kissed his wife's cheek. "You're banged up pretty bad. Is she going to be alright?"

"She'll be fine. Just make sure she gets some rest and doesn't irritate the wounds. Keep an icepack close by. She will be just fine."

"Let's get you back to the apartment and get some sleep. You've had a rough week. I'll make sure you're fine. Thanks guys." James said. He took Lilliana by the hand and gently helped her stand up. The other guys waved them goodbye as the two left the apartment and headed over to their own.

"I can't believe this fucking happened to you." James sighed as he unlocked the apartment door and led his wife inside. "What if you're pregnant? What if she hurt the baby? Lilliana, I swear to God if she hurt the-"

"I'm not pregnant." Lilliana sighed. She pulled away from James and sat down on the couch, looking at the floor. "I checked this morning. It's just not happening right now."

James frowned and sat down beside her, taking her hand. "Maybe the guys are right." He said, somewhat whispering. "Maybe it is time we go to the hospital and see if anything is wrong."

Lilliana closed her eyes. "Part of me wants to, part of me doesn't." She said, turning from him. James gave her a confused look.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

She looked at him with the saddest eyes James had ever seen. "Because if I can't...if I can't get pregnant, the pain will just...it'll be too _real._ Like, I can't imagine what that must feel like, how that must feel for all the women in the world who just can't do it. I don't want to be one of them, James. I want to be a mom, I want to know what it is like to be pregnant and happy. I know, I know, you said we can adopt, but it just...it won't be the same. Not that I wouldn't love the baby anyway, but, ugh."

"I know what you mean, baby girl." James said, kissing her cheek gently. "Remember what the doctor said at the last check up you were at. It could be stress. I mean, we've only been trying for a few months, and with everything that has been going on in the last few years: medications, therapy, near visits to the hospital because of, and I'm not going to sugar coat this either, suicide attempts, eating disorders, self harm, all of that. Baby girl, you've been through so much and it's going to take some recovery time. But believe me, darling, it will happen, and when it does, it'll be worth the wait. Trust me."

Lilliana wiped a tear from her eye. "Thanks baby." She said, turning to kiss him. She winced in pain when she pulled away. "I need some sleep." She moaned, rubbing her shoulder. "Makes me feel better, though, that I popped that chick pretty good."

James laughed and stood up to help her to the bedroom. "Wish I would've been there to see that hit. Maybe I can get Carlos to sneak me a peek at the security cameras." Lilliana laughed at James, his attempts at making her smile never truly failing.

"Do you think you'll get the photoshoot opportunity?" Kendall asked James as the guys all headed down the hallway of Roque Records. "It's kind of a pretty big deal."

"I don't know. Being the cover model for a magazine like American Artist is huge. If they like me, they like me. If they don't, it's really no big deal." James took a deep breath. "But I really, really want it."

"Well, I'm happy for you, bro." Logan said, slapping James across the back. "Jealous, but proud."

James grinned. "Thanks, guys."

"When will you know by?" Carlos asked.

"By the end of the week." James replied, sticking his hands in his pocket. "I sent in everything and they told me they would let me know before Friday. I hate to admit it, but I've never been this nervous before."

"Why are you nervous?" Carlos asked. "You're a world famous pop star. You have toured all over the world, have several albums released, and have been on the cover of probably hundreds of magazines. Why would you be nervous?"

"American Artist is one of the biggest magazines in the music industry." James said. He sighed. "I don't know, it just makes me nervous because this could possibly determine what I do after Big Time Rush is over. Like, if everything goes great, and I get a good response from it, I could be getting offers from big name movie producers all over the country, if not that, the world. But if it all goes wrong, and it doesn't turn out very well, my name will basically be wiped off the face of the Earth, and it's twice and nerve wracking because I'm still in Big Time Rush."

"You'll do fine. If they didn't like you, they wouldn't have considered you. James, this is big, and you'll do awesome. Good things are happening to you, and you just need to relax and breathe. Remember everything you've been through, and how wonderful everything turned and is turning out. Great things are happening to you, James." Kendall wrapped his arm around his friend's shoulder, causing a large smile to spread across James' face.

"Thanks Kendall. I don't know what I would do without you guys." James stuck his hands in his pockets and sighed. "I'm just so worried now that things are looking up, something is going to come by and screw it all up again. Ugh, I just don't know."

Logan patted James' back. "Remember everything you learned the last few years. All the time you spent in therapy and with medications and everything. James, you are one of the most famous people in the whole world, and you and only you got yourself here. You finally made it. You're alive and you made it."

James' eyes drifted to Logan's wrist, at the three deep scars etched into his skin, remembering the story Logan told him many years ago about those scars. James smiled and threw his arm around Logan as well.

"Thanks, buddy." He replied. "But in reality, I wouldn't be here with you guys. You made life worth living."

American Artist was a magazine spot every artist in America dreamed of getting. It was basically a once in a lifetime opportunity that very few artists ever got the chance to participate in. It pretty much was a make it or break it moment for many artists. But the risk was worth taking, and the rewards and fame that came along with the exposure from being the cover model for one whole month was extremely great. James was gifted with that blessed opportunity. He was noticed by one of the scouts, researched by the company, and was considered well enough to be considered a candidate. It was extremely hard to be even taken into consideration, and the fact that James was one of the final candidates was an excellent step.

"I shouldn't have even ever have done it." James sighed. "They're not gonna pick me. This is such as big deal, why would they pick someone like me?"

"Stop thinking so negative." Logan said. "You made it this far and even if you don't get picked, you made it to a place where hardly anybody makes it."

James smiled. "Thanks."

Later on that night, James snuggled onto his wife's lap on the couch and curled into a ball. "Comfortable?" She asked him.

"Very."

Lilliana grinned and stroked his hair. "Well I'm glad." She kissed the top of his head. "You've been really stressed lately."

"I have been." He sighed. "We need to get away for a few days. Maybe we should take a few days off work and just go on a vacation somewhere, just the two of us. We haven't really been on a big trip with just us two since our honeymoon."

"I wanna go back to Paris." Lilliana said, leaning back and shutting her eyes. "Paris is such a beautiful place and I miss it so much."

"Well, when the album is done, I'll take you there. It'll be the first thing we do the very day it's over. Anything for my beautiful princess."

Lilliana smiled. "You're cute." She said.

James jumped up. "What? You are the beautiful, sweet, amazing princess and all I am is cute?"

Lilliana smirked. "Fine." She said, getting her lips just before his. "You're... _super_ cute."

James laughed and tackled Lilliana to the floor. The room filled with her laughter as James pinned her to the floor and smiled down at her.

"You're insane." She laughed.

"But I'm _super_ cute." He mocked her. He chuckled and leaned down to kiss her. He brushed the hair out of her face and shook his head. "I still don't know how I could get so damn lucky."

"Same here." She said, her voice getting low. Her eyes fluttered a little as she yawned. James laughed at her.

"What, is someone getting sleepy?"

"A little." She yawned.

James smirked and pressed his lips to hers. "I can fix that." He mumbled against her mouth. He slid his hands down her sides and rested them just inside the waistband of her pants.

"James, please." She said, but James could sense the moan she was holding back behind her lips, and he couldn't help but smirk at her weak moment.

"Come on, baby." James slipped his hand down inside her underwear. "Let's make some magic."

James curled up into a ball on Lilliana's lap and rested his head on her thigh. Lilliana stroked his hair as his breathing evened out. He took a deep sigh as his eyes fluttered shut.

"I love you, baby." Lilliana said softly as she kissed the top of James' head. The sound of the TV in the background seemed completely irrelevant as the two lied there on the couch together. James lightly stroked her leg, sending chills up her spine. Lilliana grabbed a blanket and threw it over the both of them.

"Can we just lay here forever?" James asked, his voice drifting further and further into eternity. "Just lay here, and pretend nothing else in the world exists? Just the two of us?"

"Anything you want, baby." Lilliana said, kissing him again. "Anything your little heart desires."

James was just about to shut his eyes and drift into sleep when he heard a faint ringing sound coming from his laptop. He groaned and picked his head up, but when he saw it was a skype call, his face instantly lit up and he jumped straight to his feet.

"It's dad!" He said, excitedly. He hurried over to his laptop at the desk they had in their living room and quickly accepted the call request. He smiled as his dad's face filled the screen. "Hey dad." He said, his heart rate slowing down some.

"Hey son, how have you been?" His father asked. James sighed and shook his head.

"A hell of a lot of things going on lately. But things are working out, it's gonna be great. I got a feeling that a lot of good things are going to be happening soon." Lilliana smiled from across the room. "How are things over there? I miss you, dad."

His father smiled. "I miss you too, son." He sighed. "It gets really hot over here some days, but extremely cold some nights. I talked to your mother earlier and told her I wish I was back home. It gets so lonely over here, I really want to see you guys again. I miss spending time with my family, and being thousands of miles away from my home really gets to me sometimes. But enough about me, tell me how it is over there. I need to hear about something other than constant gunfire." James bit back the frown that was hiding in his lips. "By the way, did you hear from that magazine yet?"

James blushed and pushed his hair back. "I'm one of the finalists." He replied. "I'm really hoping I get it, but I honestly don't think so."

Mr. Diamond shook his head and laughed. "Now you stop that. You're a Diamond, you can do anything."

James chuckled. "Thanks dad." He said. "I really miss you too. Is it Christmas yet? I've been counting down the days."

"Almost, son, almost." He was silent for a few moments, then his voice grew serious. "So nothing yet?"

This time James really did frown. He looked down at his feet. "Not yet, but honestly, dad, I've got a real good feeling, like I feel like we're gonna get something soon."

"There we go." He said. "I can't wait to hold my first grandchild. It really is a precious thing, James, when you're holding your first newborn baby and you look down at that beautiful little face and you just realize to yourself that you brought that little bundle of joy into the world, and that little child is going to be the most important thing in your life. That's how I felt with you, James. I felt so blessed holding you in my arms and as soon as I held you for the first time, I knew that I was holding something I was going to love for the rest of my life."

James half smiled. "Thanks, dad." He said. His voice dropped to an almost whisper. "I really miss you. I need you to come home."

"I'm really trying, James. But just think. A few more months and I will be home with you again. You and your mother are the two single most important things in my life, and no feeling is going to be better than that feeling of being home with your family and safe with them."

"I wouldn't say we're always 'safe'. Remember when I was younger and learning to surf and I started drifting away on the waves?"

His father laughed. "I had to swim all the way out to get you. You kept screaming and crying that you were going to get eaten by a shark. There were no sharks in sight."

"Hey! It very well could've happened!" James laughed. "I remember always going to the aquarium when I was a kid. I loved looking at the sharks in their tanks, not in the ocean at my feet. It was just so interesting."

"You'd stand at that tank for hours, just watching. Me and your mother kept telling you we had to keep moving but you stayed put, just wanting to look at your sharks. It was so nice, though, just watching you look so happy."

"We should go to an aquarium when you come back just for the hell of it." James said, grinning. His father smiled as well.

"Don't think I won't go, cause I will." He laughed.

James laughed along with him. "I know you, you really will go." James' laughter faded and his smile fell apart. "I'm really afraid that something will happen to you."

"I'll be fine, son, don't worry about me." He replied. He smiled. "Things are actually going along pretty good over here, it's actually possible I could be going home sooner than expected."

James' face lit up. "That would be fantastic." He said. "The sooner the better, dad."

James and his father talked for as long as they possibly could before his father had to log off for the night. It hurt James every time he had to say goodbye to his father, because he missed his entire family being together and happy again, and going years without seeing his father and his entire family being together just broke his heart. Days and days would go by and each day seemed to put him under more and more stress, but he was still smiling, still happy, and every day he knew he could come home from work and count on the love and support from his beautiful wife.

"Where's Lilliana?" Kendall asked as James walked up to them in the studio one afternoon. "I thought she was supposed to come down here with you."

"She said she had to go somewhere real quick before she came. She said she needed to go out for something real quick." James laughed. "She should be here in any minute."

"How have you guys been? Have you talked to your dad?" Carlos asked.

"A few times, actually. More than usual." James replied. "I really hope it happens, when he says he could possibly be coming home sooner. I've been going through some old photo albums with old pictures of our family in it, and it's just making me more and more excited to see my dad." A big smile spread across his face. "It's been over two years. Do you think...do you think he'll be just as excited to see me?"

"James, now you stop it. Of course your father will be overjoyed to see you. You're his only son, and he loves you to pieces." Logan said, swinging an arm around James' shoulder.

"He's been fighting in Iraq for several years and has hardly seen you, and coming home to the possibility of a future grandchild and his family growing even more is going to make him so happy." Kendall added.

"You've been through so much and you got so much more to look forward to. You've survived depression, self harm, suicide, you're in a worldwide famous band, you've got a beautiful wife, and you've got a shot at one of the most famous magazines in the world. You're going places, James, and we are all so proud of you." Carlos added.

James grinned. "Thanks guys."

James came home from work that day completely exhausted. There was still time in the day to be wasted, so once he walked through the door of the apartment, he threw his bag aside and went up to Lilliana in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around her waist, causing her to jump.

"Hey." She said, smiling as she turned around to kiss him. "I've been waiting for you to get home."

"Sorry I was a little late, there was a little bit of traffic." He sighed. "I'm so tired, I just wanna relax."

"WHy don't we go down to the pool? I've wanted to go all day but I was waiting for you to get home."

"Aw. Babe, you didn't have to wait for me."

"But I did." She kissed the tip of his nose. "Now call the guys and get dressed. It's blazing outside."

Everyone agreed to meet by the pool after they all got home. Lilliana seemed to be in such a better mood than she had been lately, and it made James feel happier inside. He walked down to the pool area with his wife's hand in his own, and they both met up with the guys and their girls on the side.

"I'm exhausted. Everybody ready?" Kendall asked.

"I am." Lilliana piped up, sounding oddly chipper.

"Alright, then let's go." James told everyone.

Everyone slipped their shoes off and flung their towels across the chairs, but as Lilliana slipped her shirt over her head, James noticed something was painted across her stomach.

"Um, babe, what and why did you paint on your stomach?" He asked, turning to face her.

Lilliana didn't answer, she just grinned and her cheeks turned red as James turned her around. As he saw what she wrote on her stomach, he became speechless. In bright blue paint, written across her abdomen, read, "Baby on board. Arrival date: TBA."

"Shut the fuck up." James said, his jaw dropping as he traced his fingers along her painted skin.

"Found out this morning while you were gone. You're finally going to be a dad."

James looked up at her in total shock and surprise, and the guys standing behind her were just as surprised.

"I'm gonna be a dad…" James said to himself, placing a hand over Lilliana's stomach. "There's...there's a baby in there, there's a baby in there, and I helped make it, it's my baby, I'm...holy shit, I'm gonna be a dad."

James jumped up and threw his arms around around Lilliana and pulled her close to him so tight as a tear fell down his face. "We're finally going to be parents." He whispered in her ear. "Oh my God."

"It took almost a year but we're finally going to be parents. We are going to give this baby so much love and affection, I swear."

"We really are." James said, hugging her tighter.

"IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!" They heard Kendall shout from behind them. James and Lilliana pulled away and started laughing. "I mean, come on, you guys have been having sex for years. It's taken this long?"

"Go fuck yourself." James laughed.

"Something you obviously can't do." Logan replied.

James shook his head and laughed. "Hey, none of you are virgins so I don't want to hear it."

"Well, it's hot out and I'm pregnant, which means I'm gonna be bitchy for 9 more months. Let's go." Lilliana laughed and dashed away from them and jumped into the pool, her laughter filling the air as she created a big splash. When her head popped up out of the water and James noticed her smile spread across her face, and the way she playfully beckoned him to come into the water, he was filled with so much love for her and so much happiness for his life and growing family that all the bad memories he ever experienced and all the awful emotions he ever felt about himself completely disappeared, and as he jumped into the cool water to join her, he forgot that old James Diamond ever even existed in the first place.


	7. Tension

**All I can say is I'm very sorry if this sucks lol -Alyssa**

"Well, dad, how was your first day being a father?" Lilliana asked as they entered their apartment later that night. James smirked at her and kicked his shoes off to the side.

"I'm tired already. And I got to do 18 more years of this?"

Lilliana laughed. "Alright you sarcastic little twit. Keep it up and I'll up my mood swings on purpose some days. Whether it'll be pregnancy symptoms or just me acting like a bitch because I feel like it, you'll never know."

"Yeah, ok. Whatever." James said, shaking his head. He draped his arms around her neck and gave her a kiss. "You know, I can't believe we are finally going to have a baby. The day I met you, I had no idea that the two of us would be together. I thought the two of us were just going to be friends, that I was just saving another girl's life; but turns out, you saved mine."

"Baby." Lilliana said, grinning. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her head in his chest. "You got so much coming for you, your life is beautiful. I don't care what the past says. It's in the past and it's over with. I love you more than life itself."

"This baby is going to have the best life ever." James told her as he stroked her hair. "This baby is never going to know what depression is like, I'll make sure of it."

"You're gonna be such a great dad, James." Lilliana crawled into bed and curled up into a ball. "And you can get started by letting your wife sleep in peace."

James laughed and shook his head as he crawled under the blankets next to her. As he drifted off to sleep, he couldn't imagine what life would be like if things didn't work out the way they did.

"When's your appointment?" James asked, taking a sip of coffee. He ran his hand through Lilliana's hair as he sat down next to her at the kitchen table.

"Two weeks." She replied. "I am just so excited. I, I just can't believe we are finally going to have a baby."

"Me too." He leaned over and kissed her. "After over a year of trying. It's finally going to happen. I can't wait to finally tell my dad."

"Have you told your mom yet?"

"I did." James said, setting his glass on the table. "I think she might've passed out on the other end of the phone."

Lilliana smiled. "I bet she was excited."

"She very much so was."

Lilliana ran her fingers gently across her stomach. "I hope I can be a good mom. I really want to be a good parent."

James set his hand on top of hers and intertwined their fingers. "You will be. There's no possible way you couldn't be."

Lilliana opened her mouth to say something, but a knock on the door startled the both of them. Just as James was standing up to open the door, Carlos came bursting into the room. "You know me. I don't wait." He said, smirking.

"What is it, Carlos?" James asked. "Why are you here so early?"

"Gustavo." Carlos said. Just the mention of his name made James think he came baring nothing but bad news.

"Don't tell me he wants us to come in now." James groaned.

Carlos reluctantly nodded. "Sorry. He's really pushing for more songs to be released. The rival studio is upping their game and apparently we need to work day in and day out now."

"Fuck." James mumbled under his breath. He turned to Lilliana. "This stress with work has been killing me lately."

"Just go, baby. You gotta do what you gotta do, for your Rushers. And when you get back, I might have a special surprise for you." James smirked as she whispered the last sentence in his ear. He leaned down to kiss her as he stood up.

"Thanks baby. I love you." James told her. He turned away from her and walked out the door with Carlos, sighing heavily as he shut the door behind them.

"What's on your mind?" Carlos asked as they walked down the hallway.

"It just pisses me off." James answered.

"What do you mean?"

"It's just, ugh, I don't know, me and Lilliana have been arguing a lot lately, and it just seems like I'm not spending enough time with her, and I can tell it's making her angry. Like, I'll come home from work at two or three in the morning after being gone for nearly 24 hours, and I'll be stressed out and I'll start yelling at her, and it really hurts her. And what if I get this magazine deal here soon? That'll just be more added stress and more time away from her; and she's pregnant, so it's going to be extra stressful if I'm not home all the time."

"Obviously you have to spend a decent amount of time with her for her to be knocked up. Actually, now that I think about it, about three minutes."

"Carlos."

Carlos stopped laughing. "I know what you mean, James. And I'm being serious." They reached the parking lot and Carlos opened his passenger side door to let James in before climbing into the driver's side and driving towards the studio. "We all know how much you love your wife, and how had you guys have been trying for a baby for such a long period of time, and we can all tell how stressed you have been. Especially with all you've been through, we've been so worried about you."

"Why would you all be worried about me? I'm perfectly fine."

Carlos gave James a disbelieving look. "Listen, you and I both know that even though you are the happiest you've ever been, your depression still lurks deep inside of you. Remember group therapy? You and I both went through the same thing together. We talked, James. We all know. I'm not saying you are going to be spiraling back into depression and self harm again, but I'm just saying we are all worried about you and want to look out for you now that all this new stress is being added on, especially now that you have a kid on the way. 5 years is such a short time when you think about it. Depression never really goes away, you know, so please talk to us if you are ever feeling that bad, ok?"

James grinned. "I will. I promise."

"I'm about to burst your bubbles, you dogs." Gustavo said as they all lined up in the studio. "We've got a lot of work coming up, as you know, and now we are going to have to double it."

"What are you talking about?" Kendall asked.

"It's important." Kelly said. "This could really impact where your careers are going in the near future."

"What are we gonna have to do?" James asked them.

"Your summer tour has been extended by several weeks. Also, the new band with the rival studio, God help me, are getting such great reviews and amazing bookings and we are losing profit. Griffin wants us to make our shows more spectacular."

"What do you mean by 'more spectacular'?" Logan asked.

"Fireworks. More energy. More songs. Celebrities joining you on part of the tour. More opportunities for meet and greets. Getting more interactive during your performances. More props. Basically anything to make the shows go above and beyond usual concerts."

"The tour starts in just a few months, how on earth are we supposed to put all this together in that short amount of time?" Carlos asked.

"Overtime. We are going to have to work together day and night to be able to pull this off, and if we can't, Griffin will cancel the tour, your album, and then the band. Because if we don't pull this off, Big Time Rush is going to fall into the dust and nobody will ever hear from you again." Gustavo rubbed his face in frustration. "I have never had to work this hard with a boy band before in my entire life. None of my bands have ever been as popular as yours."

"What about our families? You guys all know Lilliana is pregnant, right? I want to be there for her, I want to be there for my kid. It's taken us so long to have a kid."

"We know, James, and we are doing the best we can." Kelly said calmly. "We understand that. Gustavo may be a dick, but he still cares." Kelly gave Gustavo a smirk.

"Just get into the studio." Gustavo said, pointing down the hallway. "We've got a lot of work to do."

* * *

"Hey baby." James said into the phone as he called Lilliana on his break. "How is your day going?"

"I'm doing ok. I couldn't help myself, James. I went to the store and started looking at baby clothes."

James smirked. "We'll have plenty of time to do all of that. God, you're so damn cute." He sighed. "I'm sorry I've been at work so much. I hate to tell you this, but I'm going to be a little late tonight."

"How late?" Lilliana said, sounding disappointed. James knew she was frowning on the other end of the line.

"I'm not exactly sure, but we're getting a lot of work put on our shoulders. I can't believe all the stuff we have to do."

"Don't over exert yourself." Lilliana said. "Don't make yourself too stressed. Pace yourself. Remember, your mental health comes first." She sighed. "I, I really miss you, baby…I miss you always being home, I miss you spending time with me. I really want you to be here for our baby."

James' heart completely shattered. "I don't care what it takes, I will always be there for you and our baby. I'm never leaving, no matter what. I love you, Lilliana Grace. Don't ever think I won't ever be there for you, because I always will."

"I love you, James. Please try to come home soon." Lilliana said. James could tell she was trying to hide a bit of pain.

"I will, baby girl. I love you." The two hung up the phone and James sighed as he returned to work.

"Why do you look depressed?"

"It's Lilliana. I guess she's feeling a little down because I haven't been home very much lately. Man, it's gonna kill her when I tell her about all the work we are gonna be doing."

"She's your wife, she'll understand. Alexa was really understanding when I told her." Carlos told James. "It's always upsetting when you're away from someone you love for so long."

"You're telling me. We've been doing Big Time Rush for how many years. I should be used to this by now."

"You'll be alright, James. Just don't over exert yourself, and you'll be just fine."

James grinned and shook his head. "You sound just like Lilliana."

Gustavo started barking jibberish orders down the hallway, and they all sighed.

"We better go. We're gonna be up all night." Carlos said. "We don't want him to get tired or anything."

James laughed and followed after his best friends, the worries and the slightly brewing self hate pushed to the back of his mind; out of sight. At least for now.

* * *

"James, it's nearly midnight." Lilliana said, her sleepy voice drifting through the phone and into James' ears, guilt ringing slightly through him. "You mean you're not coming home yet?"

"We're gonna be a little while." James tried to bite back the words, to make them untrue, but he found it impossible. He didn't want to tell her the news, but he knew he had to at some point. "I hate to say this, but...it's going to be like this for a while."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I'll tell you when I get home."

"No. You'll tell me now."

James sighed. "Well, the tour has been extended by several weeks. Gustavo wants more work put into these shows to make them better, so I'm going to be at work until really late nearly every night from now until the tour starts in a few months."

Only silence came through the other end of the line.

"Lilliana?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry…"

He heard her sigh. "It's ok." James knew very well it wasn't ok. "You gotta do what you gotta do, James. It's your job, you gotta commit to it. Your Rushers are counting on you."

She was disappointed.

"Did you hear anything from American Artist yet?"

He knew she was trying to change the subject, like she usually did. But James just sighed and shook his head. "Not yet. Hopefully soon, though."

"You'll get it. I know you will."

"You're changing subjects again."

Lilliana let out a tired sigh. "I'm trying not to think about the bad things that upset me, James. I know, I know, bottling things up isn't good for you, but it helps me keep my mind off of it for a while."

"Baby, I'll make it up to you, I promise." James grinned, even though he knew she couldn't see it. "After you have the baby, when the tour is over and you both are ok to travel, we can go to Paris just like you said you wanted to. We don't even have to come back."

Lilliana chuckled. "You're funny."

"I love you, baby girl."

"I love you too, James." There was a short pause. "Please try to come home as soon as you can, though. Please. I miss you."

"I miss you too, baby girl. I'll do my best. Please don't wait up for me, you need all the rest you can get. Because after these 9 months, I doubt either of us will be sleeping at all."

"Goodnight, you piece of shit."

James laughed. "Goodnight baby." And the two hung up.

James quietly entered his apartment at 2 in the morning. He was so exhausted, he could barely walk. He gently shut the door behind him, locking it and leaning up against it. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief. He had been working for over 16 hours straight, and all he wanted to do was go home and lay down, possibly sleeping for the rest of his life. He took his shoes and jacket off and tossed them aside, barely able to keep his eyes open as he walked through the house to the bedroom.

He quietly opened the door and peeked inside, and saw the faint image of Lilliana sleeping through the darkness. Her chest slowly rose and fell as she slept, her eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly. James smiled to himself and quietly entered the room. He changed his clothes as quietly and as quickly as he could, and then crawled up next to her, throwing his arms around her and hugging her tight.

"I love you." He didn't saw anything else, not a single word, after that. He just kissed her cheek and shut his eyes, instantly falling asleep.

 _He was standing outside, dazed and confused, completely unaware of where he was or who he even was. The cold air hit him like blade of a knife, piercing every inch of his body. All he could feel was unimaginable dread, a sadness unlike any other. He realized he was standing on a road, but there wasn't a single car in sight for miles. Sounds of cars whizzing through the streets and the sound of horns honking sounded in the distance, but around him, there was nothing. And that's exactly what he felt. Nothing._

 _When he picked his head up, he realized he was standing on a bridge. The Golden Gate Bridge. It seemed so familiar to him somehow, like he had been there before. He looked up at the night sky. It was blank. Not a single star in the sky._

 _He heard voice. Screaming voices. Shouts and tearful cries for help echoed nearby, and he began to race to find the source of the noise._

 _The run along the bridge seemed to take forever, like he was running miles and miles and not getting any further. He felt tired, unbelievably tired. Another unimaginable sense of dread washed over him, and clung to him tightly, wrapping itself around his throat and choking off all his air, making it hard to breathe._

 _In front of him, appearing as clear as day in his vision, he saw the faint outline of several people on the bridge, screaming over the edge. As he inched closer, he could make out the images of Kendall, Carlos, and Logan, shouting and screaming over the edge of the railing. As he raced to them, one by one they vanished, until he was the only one there. The wind blew up from the water below him, a feeling that was all too familiar, as he stared into a pit of darkness. He couldn't find whatever his friends were screaming at, but when he looked down at the dark abyss below him, he felt dead inside. Empty. Nothing._

 _A voice inside of him told him to turn his head to the right. When he did, he noticed the outline of a person swinging their legs over the railing. "No." He whispered to himself. His chest started rising and falling quicker and quicker as he started to panic. "No. Not her."_

 _His feet picked up speed as he ran, starting to scream. "Lilliana!" He screamed. But she didn't look at him. She couldn't hear him. Couldn't see him. It was like he didn't exist._

 _He couldn't reach her fast enough. Just as he was about to reach her, she hurled herself off the bridge, her hair, back then shorter and curlier, waving furiously in the breeze behind her. James let out a loud scream as he slammed himself against the fence, the dark outline of her no longer in sight._

James woke up screaming.

"What? What? What is it, James, what is it?" Lilliana said, shooting straight up in bed. James was still kicking and screaming.

"James, calm down, stop!" Lilliana panicked, trying to grab him to keep him under control. James couldn't see anything else but total darkness, all things evil coming before his eyes. The nightmare he had, the violent visions he kept seeing dance before him, it was all too much for him and he began to panic. Wildly.

"James, baby, stop, it's ok, you're ok, there's nothing here. There's nothing here. Nothing is after you, baby, I promise."

It took several minutes, but James finally started to relax His eyes were wide open, staring straight at the ceiling, as his breathing labored out and his heart rate gradually slowed down.

He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, savoring every breath he exhaled. Lilliana rubbed his shoulder until he finally opened his eyes.

"Thanks, baby."

Lilliana's face curved into a small, sympathetic grin. "You're welcome, baby." She kissed his cheek. "Nightmare?"

He nodded. "But it was more than that." He sat up and rubbed his eyes before looking at the clock. 6:30. "I keep having visions."

"Of what?"

James panicked a little bit. He didn't want her to know, in fear that she would be more stressed out about him than she should be, but for years James had been having visions, seeing and hearing things that weren't even there, and it horrified him sometimes. Shadows darting about, whispers in a not so crowded place, that's how it all started. But as time went on, things got worse. Things taunted him in his sleep. Things would crawl out of the darkest shadows of his room at night and sit at the edge of the bed, not harming him or anything, but they would just sit there, _watching him,_ staring at him. Sometimes these things would look like people, other times they would just be a bunch of shadows, often times telling him horrible and violent things that drove him insane. It wasn't pleasant at all.

"What do you mean you have visions?" Lilliana repeated.

"I, I just see things in my sleep sometimes, that's all." He lied. "Like, I don't know, bad nightmares I guess, and it just scares me sometimes."

"Do you want to go to a doctor and talk about it? It might actually help you." Lilliana said, rubbing her hand in small circles around his back.

"No." James quickly said. He brushed his hair aside and stared straight forward, thinking. "I'm, I'm alright. It's not that bad, I promise. If it was, I'd tell you, babe."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Good." Lilliana gave him a kiss. "Now why don't we lie back down and get some sleep? You need it, baby. And if you can't sleep, just let me know. I'll stay up with you."

She turned the lamp off and cuddled next to James under the blanket, falling asleep almost instantly, with a perfect little smile on her face. As James watched her sleep, an overwhelming warm feeling arose inside of him, and he kept thinking to himself how he had no idea how he ever got to be so lucky.

The next morning, James woke up feeling much better. He woke up several times throughout the course of the night, but he didn't have anymore night terrors. Everytime he woke up in a sweat, Lilliana would just rub his back quietly until he fell back asleep. He often thought about how much more appreciation she deserved. She did everything for him, and sometimes he felt that she never got enough recognition from him.

"Where are you guys going today?" Lilliana asked as she poured James some coffee.

"We've got a special gala tonight down in Hollywood. We might be gone all night. You're coming too, right?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world." She kissed his cheek and sat down next to him. She placed her hand over her stomach. "Neither of us would."

James grinned from ear to ear and kissed her. "Things are really looking up, baby girl." He said to her. "I can really feel it."

Later on, while the two were getting ready for the gala that night, James walked from the bathroom to find Lilliana changing out of her clothes, smirking to himself as she let her sundress fall to the floor.

"I feel like I did when we were still dating." James said, startling her.

"Don't scare me like that, you asshole." She laughed. "And what do you mean when we were still dating? Like, what, like full of butterflies, you little shit?"

"Nosy and horny as fuck." James said, licking his lips. Lilliana rolled her eyes and took a sparkling blue dress out of the closet. Her smile faded as she held it up to her body and looked in the mirror.

"The only thing I'm not looking forward to about this pregnancy is how big I'm gonna get." She said, her voice gradually getting lower. "I just keep thinking back to before...before my disorder started…"

James sighed and went up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. It was no secret to him anymore that Lilliana had suffered an eating disorder years prior, and even though she had recovered, it still bothered her some. James nuzzled his face into her neck.

"You aren't fat at all, baby. Not even a little. When the baby starts to get bigger, it only means you are giving a beautiful, new, little human life and nothing is better than that. And besides, you won't be that way forever. You'll look into our little child's face and it'll all be worth it."

Lilliana smiled. "Thanks baby."

"And if anybody thinks so, I'm here to prove them wrong. Everyone's an asshole. Believe me, I have dealt with plenty of them."

Lilliana laughed. "I can only imagine." She grew silent. She set the dress down on the edge of the bed and sat beside it.

"Something's bothering you."

She shook her head. "Nothing is bothering me. I'm just a little exhausted, that's all."

"Bull shit. Now what's the matter."

Lilliana sighed. "Just thinking about some things...I don't want to talk about it. You might not want to talk about it."

"What did you do…?" James asked, growing concerned.

"No, no, no." Lilliana assured him. "Nothing like that. I just…" She sighed. "I keep thinking...thinking back. Back before we met. About all the stuff you and...you and Victoria did. How she was your first love. How you and her...did all these things together and, I don't know, I know it shouldn't bother me because we're married now, but, I don't know, I guess it just sort of...sort of nags at me just thinking about it, thinking that, you know, you were with somebody else and that you looked at her the way you look at me now. How you thought you were gonna start a future with her. I don't know, it's stupid, I shouldn't be talking about it."

She tried getting up to walk away, but James pulled her back onto the bed. "What are you talking about? And why? Ok, listen, this is something you need to here again." He scooted closer to her. "First of all, it's not horrible of you to think like that, it happens. It's not unusual, I've done that before."

Lilliana looked at him. "Ok, bad example, but seriously though, it's not bad that the thought crosses your mind sometimes. And second, when I was with her, I, I guess I just thought it was love. At the time, I never knew what _true_ love felt like, and I guess I put my all into something I didn't even know wasn't real. But when I met you, it was different. Something inside of me, some internal fire lit up and I knew it was something the second you told me your name. And the first time I ever held your hand, I knew what true love felt like." He kissed her cheek. "I love you Lilliana Grace Diamond."

A tear ran down her face and she chuckled. "You're very poetic today." She said. He laughed and kissed her again. "We gotta get ready. And I'm excited to have two of the best dates in the whole world."

* * *

"You look beautiful." James said, holding open the door to the limo for Lilliana. "I love the way that dress looks on you."

"Thanks baby." She said as he got into the car next to her. She folded her arms inward, concealing her scars from him. He took her wrist and flipped it over, bringing her scarred skin to his lips.

"You don't have to hide yourself, baby girl. I love you just the way you are. And the world should, too."

"Thanks babe." She said, smiling as he kissed her cheek. "I just always get nervous at these things."

"Fuck the media." He snorted. He rolled down his own sleeves. "You know how much shit I got for these when people found out? Took me a while to realize that their opinion doesn't matter."

They were both silent as the vehicle drove down the boulevard towards the gala; that is, until Lilliana broke the silence with a question.

"Are you worried you're gonna see her?"

James was silent.

The truth was, he was so preoccupied with his wife and her pregnancy and the studio giving him so many extra hours that he never even thought about that, and he remembered what Victoria did to Lilliana, and then he felt guilty; but that moment of guilt passed and he was suddenly filled with rage.

He straightened himself out and inhaled deeply, pausing a few seconds, then letting out a semi-relaxed sigh, a breathing exercise he learned from his years of taking therapy.

"Baby, I'm sorry I brought it up, I just thought I'd as-"

"No, no, no, no, no, don't be sorry, Lilly. I'm glad I found out now instead of losing my shit in there. This is a pretty big deal, this thing we're going to. It would be pretty bad if something happened."

"But, James, we don't even know if she's gonna be there."

"She might be. And I'll kill her."

Lilliana took his hand and squeezed it. "Listen," She said. "Don't lose your temper, for one, it's not going to make you look good here. You could damage your reputation. You got a big tour coming up, don't ruin it. Another thing, we don't even know if she is going to be there. You gotta be in the business or have special V.I.P. to even get invited to this gala, so there's no way she could ever get in there. You're going to be fine. Just remember therapy, deep breathes, and relax. Know I love you, James."

He sighed. "Thanks babe." He replied, leaning back in his seat. After a few moments of silence, he heard her chuckle slightly. "What?"

"You really must be mad."

"Why do you say that?"

"Nobody ever calls me Lilly."

The limo pulled up to the gala and James looked out the window to see the other guys and their girls getting out of their own vehicles. James got out and opened the other door for Lilliana, taking her by the hand and leading her up to the others. He noticed once more the way she looked in that dress; so elegant, so beautiful, so desirable, and the way her smile complimented her pretty face and the way she laughed when someone told a joke and the way she walked and talked and flipped her hair and blinked her eyes and moved and-

Ok, he admitted it. Even after 5 years of knowing her and 2 years of marriage, he was still incredibly smitten with her as if he had just met her.

"You all look lovely this evening." Alexa commented as the two joined the group.

"Nervous?" Lilliana asked.

Alexa held up her hand, flashing off her finger. "Very."

"Just another month and you guys are good to go." Jo said. She squeezed Kendall's hand. "Not til next year for us."

"Pressure's on you, buddy." Kendall said, slapping Logan's back. Logan's face turned red as he rubbed the back of his neck, opening his mouth to say something, but being interrupted by Gustavo as he and Kelly joined the group.

"Ok, dogs, it's time to get serious." He started. Kelly rolled her eyes. "Tonight is a pretty big deal. This gala honors some of the biggest actors in the music and acting industry, but tonight they're specifically honoring you four. It's a big deal tonight that you don't screw this up and keep everything together, and knowing you four, that is almost downright impossible. SO please, if anything, DON'T SCREW THIS UP. Your tour could depend on what happens here tonight."

"What he means is," Kelly said, stepping forward, "Please don't draw any negative attention to yourself. You need publicity, but not the negative kind. Just smile, talk to people, present yourselves well. You guys are good at that when you want to be," The guys laughed. Kelly added a smile. "We've seen you grow from young boys into fine men, so I know you guys can handle this. It's not like it's the first time you've ever been to one of these. Now let's go."

The guys all nodded to each other, took their girls' hands, and went inside, all camera flashes turned on them the second their feet touched the inside of the building. And they did just as Kelly and Gustavo said. The presented themselves very well, talked to some of the people, did a few interviews, and acted like perfect gentlemen.

"This is nothing like the dogs we usually see back at the studio." Gustavo told Kelly at one point during the night. "They're scheming."

"Oh, stop it." She laughed. "They've just...matured." She paused a moment. "But yeah, you're right. They're probably gonna blow the place up or something. This isn't like them."

Gustavo laughed.

"Having a good time, baby girl?" James asked Lilliana, kissing her temple.

"Yes, baby." She replied, resting her head against his shoulder.

"Aw, look at the happy couple."

An all-too familiar voice startled James. THat voice, holy fuck, he knew that voice. He hasn't heard that voice in over 5 years, but it still rang through his ears just as familiar as the sound of a bird chirping, or the regular sound of a car passing by on the street. It was almost as if the universe was testing him, trying to make him wonder if he was losing his mind or not. Sometimes he heard voices, sometimes they bothered him and tortured him, ripped at his skin and picked at his bones, driving him insane, making him wonder what was real and what was fake. But this voice, this voice, it sounded too real to be fake.

He shakingly turned around, wishing deep inside of him that this wasn't true, that this was all just some sick joke someone was playing on him, but when he saw the face, he just couldn't believe it.

"What the fuck are you doing here."


End file.
